Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Call you if I ever couldn't keep it all together, you'd comfort me

This is sort of a side note, about my life. It may seem incredibly egocentric and stupid all things considered, but so what? Who cares about one more sin after yesterday? It won't hurt anyone or make a nation fall to its knees.

I feel so weak and useless.

I'm not a policeman, not a fireman, not even a man yet. I am 19 and I can't DO anything right now. Not about this. But I can do stuff about MY life. I can resolve to DO something with it. To find a career path that veers not towards empty wealth or entertainment but towards having a meaningful impact on people's lives. Towards making some sort of difference in this dark world.

I can resolve not to bother people anymore. I will certainly be leaving Erin alone now, I had thought maybe we'd have coffee or something but this makes such concerns seem so stupid and irrelevant they aren't even worth voicing. I was being selfish, she doesn't want to meet with me she's just offering to be nice. Well I'm done accepting other people's kindnesses when there are SO many other people who need it more. I will try and be a better person and go back into hiding until I can come out ready to be someone important or valueable.

I feel the need to take control of something, and the only thing I CAN really control is my own life. I can punish myself for my inability to DO anything by isolating myself. I can beat myself up. I can force myself to do whatever I can in the future to help my nation and my people.

Fear and self loathing are the easiest things to have right now, so that is what I will have. I have more to say but I don't know how to say it right now. The world has crumbled and I don't know when the rebuilding will turly start.

I STILL haven't processed what has happened.
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