The NRA is offering aid as well. To help stop the looters they've paid for a special air drop of weaponry into the city, including automatic rifles and thousands of rounds of ammunition. When asked how they could be sure the weapons wouldn't fall into the wrong hands a spokesman said that they were going to use the same painstaking methods they usually do to keep criminals from getting the firearms. On each of the dropped crates someone has written "For Good Guys Only."
The Girls Gone Wild video series has also offered its own form of disaster relief for New Orleans. For every bare breast the GGW team sees on video streams coming out of New Orleans, pixelated or not, it will donate $0.75 worth of green plastic beads to the relief effort regardless of whether the girl is living or dead.
A spokesperson for President Bush noted that even though he repeatedly slashed the budget for New Orleans anti-flood measures he had offered a faith-based protection program entitled "Hold your breath, pray, and swim for higher ground."
Bush also scolded those who claimed they had no way to evacuate, noting that "A ticket on Rapture Airlines is not only free, but environmentally friendly." When asked whether people should be expected to act upon a 2000 year old fantasy Bush snorted and asked "What do you call Western-imposed peace in the Middle East?"
Finally the president had harsh words for the looters who have hindered aid efforts these last few days. He said that that kind of large scale theft was absolutely unacceptable in 2005 America and would be harshly punished. Unless, of course, the perpetrator has an MBA and a history of large-scale political donations.
Meanwhile in Washington the other branches of government sprang into action in barely twice the time it took to arrange a special session for Terry Schiavo. Both the House and Senate have approved a $10 billion disaster relief package. When asked whether paying for it would require a tax hike speaker Dennis Hastert said that it would not, and instead the government was planning to sell off naming rights to various Washington landmarks. Henceforth visitors will be able to take in the sights at the Benjamin Moore White House, the Lincoln Mutual Memorial, and of course the Washington Monument, sponsored by Levitra. President Bush approved of these changes, and was expected to sign the bill into law instead of executing a Pfizer Veto.
Finally, from his Virginia Beach home, Pat Robertson admitted that he spoke rashly on Wednesday night and apologized for his remarks, conceding that it would indeed be difficult to assassinate the wind.