Dog Craps on the carpet:
"Great job Fido, really super. You thought about holding it in before your walk, I can tell. I think about holding it in too. I think about holding it in every single day. I'm real proud to be associated with such a fine canine. Fabulous."
Daughter gets an F on a test:
Amazing job, really honey, spectacular. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, not at all. I love how you answered some of these questions with multiple word sentences. Clearly you knew what you were talking about. It's only a few grades from an A, you came real close.
Catches Laura in bed with a 20 year old intern:
I'm shocked, honey. Shocked that you love me so much that you'd mistake that young supple body for this wrinkled aging one. You love me so much that you can't even tell the difference between a buff 20 year old stud and George W. Bush. I just feel so...loved...right now. And you didn't sleep with the football team. God I love you for not doing that. You only cheated on me with one stud that I know of. Thank you for showing me that much respect.
God fails to answer any of his prayers because he does not exist:
This is awesome. Not existing is just one step removed from actually existing, which is what I'm going to pretend you do. I'm going to keep talking to you and asking you for advice even though you are not real, and can I say that you are great at it? You're doing an awesome job God. You're doing an awesome job by almost being real. I'm going to give you a medal. I'm going to give a medal to Jesus because he's not real, but he's almost real. He's certainly closer to real than like that Buddha dickhead.
President buries us in a foreign quagmire and steers the economy into a cliff:
Great work George! You've been working real hard. You deserve a vacation! Don't worry about the hurricane, it'll take care of itself. What's the worst that could happen while you're clearing brush and eating compote? Nothing