Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Katrina defeated

Help has finally arrived in New Orleans. No, not FEMA, the Navy's hospital ship, or private charities. While all those organizations have done what they can their efforts were hampered by outmoded methods and improper science. True relief can, of course, come in only one form.

Tom Cruise.

Scientology's own Mr. Wonderful came into town on a magical spaceship powered by Thetans and instantly set about dealing with the flood water. First he went to the breaches in the levees and after telling the Army Corps of Engineers representative that he didn't know the history of flood control he audited out the levee thetans that were keeping it from being fixed. Within an hour it was back, stronger than ever. Next he went to the pumping station, bringing some very powerful tech with him, and by Xenu's battlecruiser if he didn't get that station pumping water again.

After fixing the infrastructure problems (He also cured the highways of their brokenness by using some seriously potent vitamins) Mr. Cruise was off to help survivors at the Astrodome. He set up several scientology tents outside offering auditing and vitamin therapy for everything from depression to diabetes. Cruise informed one man that his post-traumatic-stress syndrome at seeing his twin daughters washed away in a current of filthy water would require personal, PERSONAL, involvement, and he gave him 45 minutes of intense counseling and a nice sauna. It took Tom Cruise only 9 hours in total to fix the emotional and physical problems of all the refugees. Finally Tom Cruise flew off to the middle of the ocean where he destroyed the Thetans that caused the hurricane in the first place, making sure that nothing like this will ever happen again.

Yes, thanks to Tom Cruise we can all sleep a little safer tonight, knowing that New Orleans is going to be alright. Thank you Tom Cruise. Thank you SCIENTOLOGY!
Tags: humor unedited, tom cruise
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