Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Roberts confirmed

John Roberts has just been confirmed as Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court. When asked what he was going to do next Roberts declined the formula answer of "I'm going to Judiciary Land!" (A close neighbor and infinitely less popular ripoff of Disneyland) and instead announced that he was going to share some of the answers he'd refused to give during the hearings.

He then made the following statements:

"First things first I'm getting rid of Roe vs Wade, not because I'm particularly against abortion but because I love coat hangers."

"The first amendment will no longer apply to the music of Britney Spears? Why? 'Cuz I said so, bitch. Xtina 4 ever!"

"The second amendment will be strictly enforced for Republicans. Gun control now applies SOLELY to registered democrats, and they can't even have squirt guns. In fact they can't even make that thumb-forefinger firearm. Verbotten."

"Thanks to an heretofore undisclosed penumbra in the Eighth amendment nobody will ever again have to fight for their right to PARTY."

"Parachute pants are henceforth unconstitutional. That goes double for feathered hair. Don't push it with the naval rings and lower back tattoos either. I've got my eye on them."

"Gay Marriage will be ruled unconstitutional, which means that Justice Scalia will not be able to make an honest man out of Clarence Thomas. Sometimes you have to follow the constitution no matter how much it hurts."

"In the case of 'This sammich' vs 'Mah Belly' I fully intend to find in favor of the defendant."

"The FCC will be required to blot out all images of Star Jones with a Beyonce Knowles shaped censorship dot. Bootylicious."

"In order for Scientology to be covered under the first amendment congress will have to amend the amendment with 'even straight up goofy ones.'"

"I will ask President Bush to make December 16 a holiday so we can all mourn the passing of Lee Van Cleef. It will be called "Lee Van Cleef appreciation day." In exchange for this I will rule that the 22nd amendment doesn't apply to him because we all know Cheney's really in charge."

"The Fourteenth Amendment means that I must rule affirmative action illegal, but it is my sincere hope that this ruling will not keep me from getting a taste of Brown Sugar during the remainder of my term."

"I'm not gay. I do enjoy occasional sex with men in filthy public restrooms, but who doesn't?"
Tags: humor unedited, roberts, supreme court, we're all gonna die.
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