It is a strange feeling to know that you have NOBODY in the world. Nobody. That you are fundementally alone in the way a man on a deserted island or a solitary confinement cell is. That if you reach out for support from others they will crumble like sand before you and let you fell flat on your face. So you sway and fight to stay standing, to maintain balance and composure, not to fall. And when the tears come you welcome them because they are a bit of a release. Just a tiny bit.
I feel like a zombie.
I must be a really shitty person to be in this condition. I mean REALLY shitty, like rapist or murderer or S&L scandle shitty. To be this alone. And I don't mean in a previous life I mean I must BE that type of person. I don't understand it though, I mean sure I tease people but I try to be honorable and true and kind. I never treat others in ways I am unwilling to be treated myself.
We are told not to blame ourselves for our suffering. To accept that things happen for no reason at all. But I can't take that right now. So I MUST be a horrible person because my life is shit. I'm adrift and alone and I MUST deserve it.
I'm cutting myself off from everyone I know. Slowly letting them loose until I am stripped from all pretenses of friendship and connection. So that I can't hurt anyone with my contemptible badness. With all the things that are wrong with me. Once I am fully alone I am not sure what I will do. Maybe I will improve, maybe I will perish. But I have to figure out WHAT makes me a fundementally bad person and change it. Because I can't stand having a life this horrible.
And there has to be a reason for it.