Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Here I go again

My girlfriend dumped me. At 12:15 AM. Over the phone.

I know a lot of people think being dumped over the phone is horrible but for me it wasn't so bad. At least I'm at home, at least I don't have to deal with letting my emotions show on my face, and at least there's no awkward post dump waiting for the check or ushering her out of my apartment.

Being dumped late at night, on the other hand, sucks. It sucks hard.

How are you supposed to sleep after something like that? It bounces around in your skull like a marble in a milk jug jarring loose all sorts of odd memories and weird thoughts. If you get dumped at mid day at least you can treat yourself to a delicious dinner and some "I'm single again so I'll need this" pornography. Late night porn buying is just sad.

So I'm up, and I'm wired, and I'm single. It's an interesting feeling. I told my mom what happened and she said "That's too bad. It's really nice to have someone who really cares about you." That's kind of like telling an amputee "Wow, you know what's great? Legs. I love my legs. Can't imagine life without them. Of course you won't have to. You have no legs." Then maybe for good measure you could push them down the stairs, you know, just to let it really sink in that they are now a legless freak.

Maternal to the core. That's my mother.

So sleep is out, maternal comfort is so out, all my friends are in dreamland, what's left? Bashing her?

I guess, but I don't really want to. She dumped me, she had her reasons, I want to stay friends. There's no point in unloading a list of petty grievances and anger. It'd accomplish nothing. Instead I will say that I've learned a valuable lessons about relationships. Don't meet the parents. If you do meet the parents, lie. Say you're in advertising or working for one of Donald Trump's lackeys. Anything but the truth. The truth'll get you sitting at home on a Saturday night polishing the bishop. The truth'll get you right back where you started. Lie, my friends, this is sage advice. You should be writing it down. Lie once, lie twice, lie three times, and don't stop lying until they think that you're the Crown Prince of Monaco.

That and if you do screw it up with her folks and she's going to break up with you, try to maneuver it so it happens earlier in the day. Then go get yourself a nice bowl of mint ice cream and be glad all the stores aren't closed and it isn't past midnight and you aren't all alone in the dark with your thoughts and the pitter patter of rain on the window.
Tags: dumped, fat, girlfriend, jenny, me, single
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