Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

The rules of the road

As a fat man who exercises on a fairly frequent basis I can tell you there are certain unwritten rules about being a person of size and working out. You'd think that it would be the sort of activity that would garner you lots of praise and support. After all those judgmental moralists are always going on about how if fat people want to change their lives they should stop whining and do something about it. Eat less, exercise, and lose the weight porky. So what happens when one of those people sees an honest to goodness fat person out there making an effort. Does he shout "You go guy!" or raise a fist in solidarity?

No. Not even close.

See here's a dirty not-so-secret about attitudes towards people carrying around a few extra pounds. When someone says they should lose the weight what they actually mean is that they should never have gained it, or they should have lost it previously. Nothing pisses these people off than seeing a fat person actually attempting to lose weight. Whether it's going to the gym, trying to eat healthy, or just making the small changes that are necessary to lose weight, scorn gets heaped upon those who dare attempt to transcend their status as people of size and actually lose the weight. That being said, if you find yourself in such a situation here are some helpful dos and don'ts.

Do: Dress appropriately for exercise.
Don't: Even think about spandex.
Do: Bring along some music or something to read.
Don't: Belt out "Macho Man" at the top of your lungs, especially not any part that involves the lyrics "Want to feel my body?"
Do: Talk about technique, hydration, and other workout related topics.
Don't: Compliment women on their pecs. Repeatedly. And then ask whether you can feel them.
Do: Drink
Don't: Get drunk.
Do: Stick up for yourself if someone tries to take your machine before your time limit is up.
Don't: Argue with the guy who could deadlift Cincinnati.

Those simple pieces of advise should serve you well, but the important thing to remember is that health clubs are not for health, they are for people looking to show off and have sex with one another. If you go there to exercise you are an invader who is improperly using the premises for your own twisted wants and desires. Thus it's important for any person of size to slink around with their eyes downcast, making them invisible, and to stay away from others. Remember, you are the shameful future they strive desperately to avoid, and a breathing example of imperfection. Act as such.
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