Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Someday Never Comes

I'm going to take a moment right now to respond to another communication from the Anti-Bond across the pond (Yes I know that's Dr. No and not Dr. X but DUDE it ryhmes. Dude. DUUUDDDDEEE!!) because I'm not sure what to say on my own.

P.S. Answer Dr. X is not a syndicated column nor is it written with any regularity. Dr. X is not a licensed physician and word has it that he smells funny. And not in a haha way either. More of an EWWW.

First of all Dr. X says that one of the beauties of email is that you can ignore it. I don't find that I personally can ignore email. I can put it off but even stuff I know I don't want to read I do. Because I can't stand the not knowing. I'm really bad at that.

Dr. X asked me to define the moment when a boy becomes a man. I agree that I'm not sure there is A moment per se, but I think that the differences are there.

A man knows what to do or at least has an idea about who to ask. He is Proactive. A boy waits to be told what to do.

A man is self supporting, a boy is not.

A man feels no fear he cannot overcome, is not egocentric but is self aware, has compasion mixed in with his strength, is only brutal when circumstances demand it, understands his place, plans for the future and lives in the present, learns from the past but does not linger over it, pays the piper and tips him as well, and is willing to accept that his mistakes are just mistakes and nothing more.

I do feel helpless, and more so because there are too MANY volunteers. It makes me proud to be an American that SO many people have headed out there wanting to help, so many that there aren't enough spots. Americans, for all our bluster and rudeness, do have a history of coming together and being strong during times of crisis. It's funny how in all the thrillers and hollywood action films people scatter screaming during crisis but in Real life while we ran (justifiably) from the collapsing buildings there was no looting and there are many more people wanting to do something than cowering in fear. My blood is not the type that they want and the bloodbanks are full for now. I will contribute later when the fervor has died down some. I might be going downtown to unload trucks tonight becuase I've heard that they need night workers, but we'll see. For now I just don't want to get in the way.

I do not take compliments well so you will forgive me for not responding to that portion of the message.

As for Erin, she didn't contact me unsolicited. We had been emailing back and forth for awhile and then she said she had some roadtrip and asked if we could get together some time in August. I talked to some people and most of us agreed it was probably a blow off and so I moved on and tried to focus on other things. This last message might have been out of guilt for blowing me off. Plus at this point who knows whether she's lost a loved one or even whether she's alright herself. Basically at this point I think it would be best to wait a few more days and send her something telling her I hope that she's okay and that I understand how busy she is and can muddle through Sauratte on my own (we were originally going to meet so she could explain some stuff about the author she is doing her thesis on to me). That seems like the best thing to do.

I know isolation is bad. I've gone that route and I hated it. It was a kneejerk fantasy reaction, not useful or valuable and long discarded.

I DO feel irrelevant because while there are people who would be inconvenienced or less than thrilled at my death there is nobody for whom it would matter on any sort of fundemental level. When a family member or a lover or a best friend dies you are wrecked. I don't have any of those connections built strong enough to matter. Most of my family hasn't seen me in ages, my mother is a horrible person who'se emotional state matters to me not a whit. If an aquaintance or a patient or whoever dies you feel sad but it's a top down reaction. It doesn't rock one from the bottom up. I don't know, it's selfish to want people to care if you died and a lot rediculous but I can't censor how I think or feel.

This terrorist action was not the most traumatic experience of my life. It won't leave me much more bitter or twisted than I already am

It is interesting to hear people say that they thought America was invincible. I never did. I was in New York during the bombings in 93 and I knew then that it could happen again and be worse. I just thought that, I don't know, that things might get better. That lunatic terrorists might wise up a bit and stop being so FUCKING evil. That economic development might lessen the hatred. I don't know what I thought. I can't remember. America is still strong and as invincible as it ever was. It hasn't been cowed or defeated, merely angered.

But I'm worried about world war III breaking out and about a lot of other stuff. I dunno, this kind of criss sends my head in so many directions that up is just a fantasy. Will our world be plunged into a battle of west versus east? Who will win? Will this be the start of the extinction of the human race?

I have more to say on this but right now.

As for my mother, I don't really like her or have much attachement for her these days. She's callous and cruel and stupid. I have to live with her right now because there are no viable alternatives but I am really looking foreward to leaving. This doesn't reflect on anyone else's relationship with their mother but I can't care about someone who does NOTHING to deserve any sort of sympathy or love.

I should have said more, this is an inadequate response to Dr. X's long letter but I'm SO exhausted I am just going to lie down and think about sleep. There is more to be done, so much more to be done, and now it's time for me to accept that I'm overwhelmed and get some rest. I'll write more when I can, to both answer and to get out some of the thoughts that are plaguing me and keeping me up at night.

The world is a different place than it was a week ago. I'm more sure of that with each passing day.
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