Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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Singing Bye Bye Miss American Pie

I had a very small revelation just now. I realized that I've slowly allowed my focus to thin out to the point where I wasn't entirely in control. It was not a pleasant feeling. I need to zero in on my goals and start trying to achieve them. Can't allow myself to be impacted enough by the WTC destruction that I lose the strength I so desperatly need. The first step I'm going to take is to cut Erin loose. I really like her, but I can't afford the distraction right now and to develop anything meaningful would take so long and be such a drawn out and unlikely process....I truly believe right now that the best course of action is to shut that door and cry about it, so I can focus on other things. It is also a good way to hurt myself without hurting others. To punish myself for my failings and flaws, something which I feel I must do from time to time.

I feel stupid and pathetic for not knowing what to do or think. I feel like all the other paralyzed sheep out there who I have had disdain for in the past. I feel the desire for revenge, the knowledge that death of uninvolved people does not justice make, the horror of knowing it is almost impossible to be able to tell who exactly is involved, that the enemy doesn't wear uniforms and will lie about their feelings and plans until they strike, the knowledge that True Islam is about peace and can be compatible with tolerance, and that False Islam is the one more popular among theocrats and dictators.

I am angry at myself for not being able to know what I think and feel. America has more military might than our enemy. We have helicopters and bomber planes and we have soldiers who are hard men, harder than those of our enemies don't fear death. Get to know a marine and you will get to know a man who is willing to drill and dig and die just to be READY to defend his nation. These men are more than capable of taking their superior weapons and defeating the men who seek to destroy us. Except that the enemies refuse to play by the rules and we feel that we must. They behave in terrible barbaric ways and we cannot in response. We are like the young child being bullied in the schoolyard only we have no teacher to tell. When Israeli's kill Palestinians Palestinians respond by killing innocent Israelis. Yet we can't kill innocent Afghanis, that would be tremendously wrong. So what can we do? This is the fundemental problem. Some people say suck it up and try to eliminate hatred. But that can't ever be done, that's impossible on a FUNDEMENTAL level. And if we respond to being hit by turning the other cheek we will be hit again and harder. So what can we do?

I don't know. IS there a good answer? One side too soft, one side too hard, thousands or millions of lives in the balance, and all this set off by the bad guys. The bad guys force the good guys to make the hard decisions. And yet one must be made.

Life is so hard.

I must be strong and disciplined, for myself. I must figure out what I want and try to achieve it. This is what I have to learn from the tragedy. That the days of drifting have GOT to end and I have GOT to get my shit together. If I don't then I am nothing.

I feel like nothing.

I feel sad.

I feel anxious.

I don't know WHAT I fucking feel. I need some sleep.

I should, or rather I want to, leave with a quote from the REM song I am listening to.

"They call me the apologist and now that I'm at peace
I know at first it really hurts, we'd joke about these things
I've skirted all my differences but now I'm facing up
I wanted to apologise for everything I was.

So, I'm sorry. So sorry. So sorry. So sorry. So sorry. So sorry. So sorry.

Did you understand me like the people who are good?
They tell me what I should have done and offer what I could
I'm good all is good.
All's well, no complaints.
But when I feel regret. I get down on my knees and pray.

I'm sorry. So sorry. So sorry. So sorry. So sorry. So sorry. So Sorry. So sorry.

I live a simple life. Unfetted by complex speech
you think this isn't me? Don't believe. There I go. I'm so sorry.
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