Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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24 Questions about 24

1) Why do the terrorists keep on attacking Los Angeles, even though they should know by now that that's where Jack Bauer lives. I mean they may not be the same terrorists, but you'd assume word gets out on the terrorist grapevine.

2) How come the President keeps going back to L.A., since that's where all the terrorists are. Yeah presidents need to raise money out there but couldn't they just sound out fundraising letters? It seems to me that if 5 out of the last 5 assassination attempts occurred in a single city that might be a city that the president should stay away from. I hear San Antonio's pretty nice.

3) How come everyone knows where CTU is? Is it located at something like 1 CTU Plaza? Does it have a big sign out front? If some secret agent breathlessly told me to get to FBI headquarters in New York as fast as possible I'd at least have to do a search on the web or check the phone book to figure out where that was. L.A. is a lot more spread out and confusingly designed than New York is. Is CTU really supposed to be some sort of local landmark?

4) Is there some sort of affirmative action program going on for moles? I mean there's always a mole, ALWAYS, and it's usually the new guy. Maybe it's a diversity thing. "Yeah, you've got a good staff, but I don't see any foreign agents working for you. There's a quota. Every agency must have at least one."

5) Speaking of which, why do people keep taking jobs as moles? They should know by now they're destined to be uncovered and captured/killed by Jack Bauer. There are easier ways to get rich. Why not open an Orange Julius franchise? They are inexpensive, and you won't believe the number of people who enjoy the fresh citrus taste of Orange Julius brand drinks and smoothies. Sure the hours may be long, but it beats having a secret agent cut your eyes out.

6) Why not just eliminate the wasted time and trust the crazy person from the get go? The conspiracy theorists are always right, and ignoring them just leads to heartache and extra paperwork. After awhile don't you come to realize that the guy muttering to himself on the street actually did see black helicopters and that they're probably a clue? How many times does a 'broken' clock have to be right before you realize it's accurate?

7) Does everyone just have a really light beard, or do they shave during the commercial breaks?

8) Doesn't anybody get hungry or thirsty? I know it's a national crisis and all, but if you have time for lustful glances and meaningful looks you have time for microwave popcorn or a quick pass through an In-N-Out burger drive thru.

9) Why not infiltrate Circuit City? While Osama Bin Laden works out of a cave in Pakistan 24 Terrorists all live in L.A. and operate out of highly sophisticated dens with lots of plasma screens, computers, and telecommunication devices. Look, that guy with the beady eyes isn't buying 4 50" monitors so he can watch the big game, he's EVIL. Just arrest him when he makes the purchase. Save everyone some grief.

10) Why are black women evil? Members of any other racial/gender combination have the capacity for both good and evil, sometimes in the same episode, but when it comes to black women there is only a single possible orientation. Pure, slithery, evil.

11) Why are there no Mexicans in L.A.? Perhaps in the world of 24 all the Mexicans have been shipped back to Mexico, thus severely reducing the population of L.A. and explaining why there's never any traffic and anyone can get anywhere within 10 to 15 minutes. It could also explain the lack of eating. No Mexicans=no food service people or produce pickers.

12) Where the hell is the Secret Service? In 24 the Secret Service presence appears to consist of 1 guy who is usually pretty far from the President. In real life ex-president Bill Clinton can't pee in a movie theater without Secret Service presence. In 24 David Palmer could hang out with his Brother in front of an open window, or possibly go windsurfing and there'd be one Secret Service guy down the beach buying an ice cream cone. This seems to reflect poorly on the agency.

13) What would happen if the terrorists attacked on one of the Daylight Savings days? Could they be stopped? I'm just asking.

14) Why is CTU designed and lighted in a dark blue motif? Doesn't that get depressing and hurt the eyes after awhile? Why not a bright well-lit office? Wouldn't that help morale when you're sorting through the identities of the hundred or so victims of the latest attack?

15) Ever heard of local government? Shouldn't someone give a ring-a-ding to Sacramento and say like "hey, not to bother you or anything, but there's a bunch of crazy guys with nuclear weapons/nerve gas/tons of drugs romping around your state intent on killing everyone. Okie Dokie. Take care."

16) Nobody's heard of The Club? It's a given fact that secret agents constantly have to steal cars in order to complete their missions. What's not necessarily transparent is why the cars in 24's L.A. are so easy to hot wire. Has nobody heard of anti-theft protection? All I'm saying is that if I lived in a city where there was a 1 in 5 chance that a bad guy or a CTU agent would steal my car only to crash it into a gas tanker or something, I'd spring for The Club.

17) What's up with the fat guy? I'm not saying Edgar isn't a valuable resource, but he's apparently the only fat man in the entire universe and he works in counter terrorism. What if he had to shoot someone? Can he chase down a suspect without getting wounded? Sure he's a computer jockey, but the army makes everyone be in shape, and Chloe and Kim are/were both computer people and constantly had to do stuff like fight off the mole in the back room or flee the killer. It's only by sheer luck that Edgar has avoided being caught between two certain deathtraps. An evil man with a large gun, and a staircase.

18) Speaking of the back room, what up with it? It's like THE place to go if you want to hack into CTU's system or call your evil overlord or do sneaky stuff in general. Maybe they could get a decent light fixture and a guy in there to watch for moles? I'm just saying. Maybe it's the official place to enact nefarious plots. "Please keep all attempts to destroy America in the designated evil deeds area."

19) Where do they get their cellphones? Look, I may not have the fanciest cellular phone on the block, but nobody ever offered me a model that can shut down remote detonators, upload complex building schematics, and transmit data from any readable storage source. I'd assume it was some fancy government technology, but Jack had a magic phone even when he was presumed dead. If it had been his old phone presumably the plan would have been cut off, and if it wasn't he must have bought it somewhere. I want that phone!

20) How does the president know everyone at CTU Los Angeles by name? Look, I know that there's a hell of a lot of terrorism in L.A. and all, but you'd think the president would have more pressing matters than chatting with a local office of a relatively minor government agency. Where's the homeland security chief? This smacks of micromanagement, a no-no for the modern president. Plausible deniability. If Bush has taught us nothing, he's tried to teach us that.

21) How hard is it to hire a competent security staff? I'm not saying that CTU's is lax or anything, but I'm pretty sure that they hire from the gene pool that will supply Star Trek its redshirts in the future.

22) Whatever happened to Banter? Nobody at CTU talks about anything except work and how grateful they are that X person is alive or sad they are that Y person is dead (though they will soldier on.) Nobody ever mentions the Dodgers or asks anybody else whether they caught the U2 concert last week. No wonder they're all snippy. They hate one another. The only question is how they fall in love. I guess they don't have a choice. It's hard to find a date when your personal ad reads "Likes: Shooting foreign nationals, decoding shit. Dislikes: Acts of terrorism, everybody I work with, being declared legally dead only to be revived by an adrenaline shot to the heart twice in one day"

On a related note:

23) Anyone ever heard of Prosac? Nobody at CTU tells jokes. Ever. Now I've been in stressful situations before, maybe not terrorists with nerve gas threatening to destroy Los Angeles and only Jack Bauer can save it stressful, but pretty stressful, and humor helps. Nobody cracks a smile, let alone a joke. It's clear that the entire place is full of clinical depressives. Since talk therapy probably wouldn't help ("How was your day?" "Classified." "What's bothering you?" "That's classified." Etc...) how about a little bit of Prosac. Just because you're saving the world doesn't mean you have to be Mr. Gloomy.

24) Haven't they figured out yet that it's going to take almost exactly 24 hours to solve whatever crisis is going on? Don't these people learn. "How are you doing at containing the attack Buchanan?"

"Not too well, sir. It's only been 3 hours. I'm going to need about 21 more to get this thing under control. Precisely 21 more. You can definitely make reservations for 22 hours from now, but in 20 hours things will probably just be coming to a head, so I'd clear the calendar over there."
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