Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

Fucking deaf people

Now deaf people as a group generally don't get a lot of flack. We feel sorry for them because they can't hear music or the sound of a lover whispering their name or a truck's horn as it barrels towards them on a highway. Well those fuckers have been milking this pity for way too long. They can't hear. Boo fricking hoo. How bad is that, really? Not to be able to hear elevator music, or tinny rap through some punk kid's earphones on the subway, or the braying of American Idol 'singers.' How many times have you been at a party or something and had some jackass yapping at you while you wished you could just shut it out and go back to thinking about that girl who's clearly not wearing a bra under her shirt?

So let's not feel so sorry for those deaf bastards. They're sitting pretty in a lot of ways.

But what have the deaf ever done to us? That's your next question, because you're a bleeding heart fuckface who loves all of god's creatures no matter how pathetic and weak. Like puppies. Puppies start out life as blind little rat-like creatures, but you love them anyway. Assholes.

Let me answer you.

This evening I was watching a movie, a Canadian film entitled "The Barbarian Invasions." I was enjoying myself watching these Canadians prance about like a bunch of over the hill homosexuals and reading the French subtitles when something horrible happened. One of the characters spoke in English, and even though I speak English the lines were subtitled, unnecessarily obscuring up to 8% of the screen for no apparent reason. Naturally I was outraged. At first I thought it was just what those Canadian fuckers do, subtitle everything for shits and giggles. Then I remembered an American movie I'd seen that did the same thing and I realized what was really at play.

It's a vast Deaf conspiracy to make decent hearing people see unneeded subtitles just so they can enjoy a foreign film too. Selfish motherfuckers, we already gave you closed captioning, but you want subtitles too? What's wrong with you? Why so greedy? You're almost as bad as the gays.

I say that if the deaf want subtitles on English language programming they have to give us something in return. Like teach us the secrets of their X-ray vision so we can see beneath ladies' undergarments. Otherwise they're just one more special interest group looking for a handout and they should get the same treatment we give the rest of them these days. A punch in the nose and a boot out the door.

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