Of course I'm replaying it in my mind constantly and mentally smacking myself in the face, but that's just temporary.
Because of my own cowardice and the advice of others it wasn't a particularly final message. I told her that I hoped she was doing alright and left things open if she wanted to get together at some point. I don't think she will but that's okay. Anyway she took till september 7th to get back to me after suggesting we get together some time in August, so I'm allowed to forget two words in an email to her. Right? Right?
That's the problem with people who have uneven opinions of eachother. One person is constantly running while the other is strolling along and the running person constantly curses himself for every mile over four minutes while he praises the walker for each step. Eventually he's going to run out of breath and feel like he's been running and wasting his energy for nothing.
I shouldn't even be thinking about her anymore. What's done is done and at this point desperate attempts to take it back (not that I am inclined to do such a thing, except I want to edit the mistake I made) are pointless and will be ill recieved. I thought I loved you I was wrong, life goes on.
In other news I have continued to fall behind in my homework which is normal for me. I should be able to make it up in time, not to mention the fact that I tend to test very well whether I've done it or not (I got an A+ in a class last semester only doing less than 1/5th of the reading) but I feel bad about it. I just have trouble reading about cognition and stress when all this STUFF is going on. I have trouble doing anything. The more time passes the more I fear for the direction the world is headed. I was hoping for controlled police actions and war only under the conditions that it could produce meaningful lasting results. Instead it looks like Bush might be more worried about PR than anything. That makes me sick, makes everyone sick. Jesus I hope we aren't responsible for MORE killing. I couldn't bear it right now, not now.
I feel so alone these days. Incredibly alone. Hee-Ann and David both wanted to do something this weekend but I just didn't have it in me to be around other people. I have trouble sitting through classes now while normally I find the anonymity or forced cozyness of classrooms to be comforting and energising.
I am so tired and scatterbrained. I dunno. Maybe I'll end up an alone NOBODY. Maybe I won't pull my shit together get through school and out there in the world to make a difference. Maybe I'll end up mopping floors and cleaning sinks and going home to a filthy empty apartment to sleep away the night on a foldout bed among cans and bottles and torn shreds of newspaper. Maybe my social phobias will worsen as people become older and more hardened in their ways and establish lasting friendships and I have NONE of that.
I wish Grim were a mood on this journal thing because it's been my mood all day. I wanted to do some homework before sleeping but I can't. So I'll close my eyes and fantasize about a better place like I do every night and hope that morning light brings hope with the pigeon songs. I won't count on it though. What can you count on these days when 110 story buildings topple to the ground and aircraft are used as weapons?