Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

A special kind of torture

Those of you who have been following my life closely (AND WHY WOULDN'T YOU?!) know that a few months ago I signed up for an online screenwriting class. I quickly established a rapport with the instructor, which proceeded from fun and camaraderie to antagonism and eventually led to a particularly unpleasant evening where she drunkenly accused me of bullying her out of the teaching profession*.

Nevertheless she invited me to join a post-class workshop she was setting up, and after something of an awkward apology I agreed. It was only $60.

Flash forward 3 weeks. Disaster. She and I simply cannot get along. I thought the workshop would be more bottom up than the class had been, but she's the same domineering force she was and she has no time or room for people who don't fall in line and just accept her dominance, something I won't do. I told her I wanted to withdraw. She basically said it was up to me but she was leaving my account active for the three months I'd paid for.

Worst. Possible. Outcome.

You see while it is technically possible for me to just not go back to the site ever again and live a HAPPY AND PRODUCTIVE LIFE it is NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. Because I don't have that kind of self control. I am curious by nature. I am an ADD Web-surfer. The address is in my browser and whenever I am at my computer I am TWO CLICKS AWAY from seeing what is going on, and I AM CURIOUS.

Add to that the fact that I REALLY REALLY wanted this all to work out, and it's a very special sort of torment. A community of like minded writers sits 2 clicks away, and I can go any time I want, but if I do it will INEVITABLY end in a giant conflagration and leave me feeling worse than if I hadn't gone at all. Meanwhile I continue not to meet creative or interesting people in real life, leaving me starved for folks to bounce ideas off of.

It's like locking someone in a jail cell with only bread and water, and leaving a big chocolate cake sitting in the center of the cell. Only the chocolate cake is laced with rat poison, and 30 minutes after eating some he'll start cramping like crazy and spitting up blood. That's the situation I'm in. The cake's right in front of me, I can taste it, but I KNOW I SHOULD NOT. That doesn't take away the temptation. Not at all.

A part of me wants to just go there and do something outrageous to earn a ban, but that's immature. Instead I have to live with the poisoned cake in the middle of the room for another couple of months, and that sucks.

*Those of you who doubt my "I shouldn't be around people" claims should take note of this. This is not all that unusual an outcome for me.
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