I got up the guts to ask my spanish teacher if we could do something other than go over the homework in class. On account of going over the homework doesn't actually TEACH anything and is a pointless high school quality exercise in lousy education. It's not a great way to start every day except that it does make all the other classes where the professors make an attempt to engage the minds of their students a lot more enjoyable (after you've sat through the experience of watching a bunch of elite college students who love to argue come together as one to react with confusion, irritation, and amusement, at the fact that the professor has NO clue what's going on you can appreciate even the dumbest statement made in another class.)
I almost never use an umbrella. I don't mind getting wet, at all. I kinda like it, being out there in the rain feeling it run down through my hair and down my neck and under my shirt and all that jazz. Finding little spots of dryness on a soaked through shirt to wipe the water from your eyes. Just standing there being wet and getting the occasional confused look. I like squishy shoes and raisened fingers and I don't know why.
After you've been alone, not just lonely but alone, for awhile you start to resent human contact. It's like you feel "You weren't there for me when I was hurting and vulnerable, don't try to draw on my strength now." I'm at that state where if I don't make a concerted effort I will just seal people off more and more until nobody knows my name. Except my professors who usually say it with a mixture of respect and irritation. Yesterday in psych the professor was ascribing a causal relationship to two things which were linked only by corolation and I almost jumped out of my seat raising my hand to point this out before she went on and on. When I did point it out she was kind of like "Well yeah, you're completey right, but you didn't need to bring it up, we all kinda knew that already." Except that that's EXACTLY the sort of thing she'd test us on and I don't think it's fair to test a class on a rule that you can't keep straight in your lectures. I don't know, there's something about casual delivery and formal expectations that gets my goat. I believe that if you want to teach low you can't test high.
I checked the mailing list for the GED teachers and the majority of them are female. Most people would probably react by saying "Great! It's CHICK hunting season" but if you've been reading this for ANY amount of time you know HOW not me that is. I was like "Shit, now there will be nobody I can relate to." Both of the advisor people running the program and most of the students are also female. Why is it that I am drawn to female dominated activities and fields? Psychology and Sociology are both full of icky icky girls.
I dunno, it's a little scary for me. Like maybe I AM just a repressed hornball. Only the thing is that I don't actively go after the sorts of things that I think females will be in and I don't think I knew even subconsciously that the GED program or Psychology or Sociology would have female majorities. And almost everything does at Columbia and MOST colleges these days. The majority of college students are girls. That upsets me a lot, because I feel like the male gender is LOSING in the battle for world supremacy.
It's not that I don't think there should be equality, it's just that I feel everyone should be given the same opportunity and men should come out on top.
Okay obviously in any democratic situation the rulers run the risk of being overthrown, but the thing is that I feel men COULD come out on top. Most of the truly BRILLIANT people I know or know of have cocks. And we don't have PMS or pregnancy holding us down like the bumpy chests (what we call the people with innie genetalia after the revolution) do. But masculism has sort of been outlawed and pushed to the fringe by a combination of association with silly fringe groups and the feeling that boys already have enough advantages.
One of the many tenents of radical feminism that makes no sense is the fact that you want men to change from savage dominating brutes but you don't think that they should be given special attention to try to get them to change. There's a take our daughters to work day to try to teach little girls about being professionals, why not a take our sons to poetry night or something? Male institutions get integrated with bumpy chested invaders but they are still making NEW female only public schools. There's your double standard busters.
I do believe that growing up around radical feminism has contributed a lot to my dislike for women. People have been trying to indocrinate me with female superiority and female entitlement but all they've really taught me is to view females as enemies and something to be conquored. Nobody seems to really want to talk about cooperation. It's just like the world situation now. George Bush with his LUDICROUS dead or alive proclomation which throws to the wayside any concept of judicious use of power or checks or balances.
I'm already sick of the American response and it hasn't even begun yet. Some days I want to just curl up in a hole and die.
other days I don't even want to wait until I get into the hole.
But I persevere. WRiting rambling stupid journal entries and being the annoying nerdboy at an institution for the academically advantaged.
And not having any sort of human contact on anything beyond a superficial unsatisfying or combatitive level. I guess that's one thing that Mohammed Attah and I had in common after all. He doesn't look like he was getting laid either.