Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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And there it goes, my last chance for peace

I'm finding it harder and harder to pretend these days. I can't soar on false optimism or sink with depression like I used to be able to. I'm slowly recovering from what happened and facing some grim realities about my life and what I should do with it.

If there is a war and the draft is instituted I think that I will volunteer to join the Army. Not immediatly, but if it drags on at all. I know it sounds absolutely moronic to everyone reading this, but I can't imagine being part of a generation that went through a war and not having served. IT just doesn't fit who I am. I fully believe that I would be ostracized and hated by my fellow soldiers and probably would die in some squalid little village trying to be a hero. And I don't want that. But I don't know if I could deal with NOT having served. Just something I've been thinking about.

I want to live alone. Or with somebody I love. Not with a mother I despise. I want to have a job and excell at it. I want to be unpressured and free. I want to go back in time and go to a different High School so I could've joined the football team even though I doubt I would have stuck with it because it's too much work for something that doesn't ulitmatly matter.

I don't want to spend 1 hour talking to my mother's arrogant self involved boyfriend because he doesn't want to go to where she is. I don't want to carry rugs down to the lobby because my mother keeps buying new ones and wants the old one thrown out RIGHT NOW and I don't want to encounter neighbors who look the toher way because of the constant screaming eminating from my house when mother dearest is here.

I want to be the me inside and not the me that the world sees. I want to be understood and loved. I want to be less sad and more engaged.

I want to be satisfied and NOT to want what I don't have. I want the strength to endure years of torture so I can achieve what I want.

I don't want to live like this anymore and I don't want to die.

I change, I morph, I alter, and every time I think I'm on solid ground the earth hiccups and sends me back skittering towards the abyss.

I want a time machine so I can see if the future's mean.

I'll get over you, you won't know who I am.
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