Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters


Contrary to what most of you believe I do not spend all my time listening to Bad Liver and a Broken Heart and mourning the fact that Dreamy Dustin Hoffman won't return my calls. No, I also watch horrible movies. And report back to you.

Today's movie? The Perfect Man.

This Hillary Duff vehicle would be completely forgettable except for one thing. The plot revolves around a teenaged girl seducing her mother online. That's right. All that crap about Hollywood corrupting our youth? All true. It's not just the Gay Itinerary* anymore though. Apparently that wasn't enough. Now we've got Heather Locklear pitching incest.

I really wish I had been in on the pitch meeting for this project.

" me."

"Hillary Duff plays a young girl who seduces her own mother online."


Because even though the movie's PG and there's nothing explicit, well, anyone who's ever had an online relationship knows how this works. Once you start getting into somebody, and things heat up, you begin to...think about them in certain ways. You imagine the meeting. Your lips touching theirs. Your hands caressing their body. Surrendering to passion and the exhortations of Marvin Gaye.

And Heather Locklear's character is imagining all this...with her own daughter. Hollywood is sanctioning lesbian incest!

Or so I thought.

Then I realized what the movie is really saying.

Anyone, and I repeat, anyone, you encounter on the internet...could be your mom. That's right, the cute redhead you've been chatting with for a month now? Totally your mom. That guy with the "washboard abs?" IT'S YOUR MOM! This film exists as a warning to young girls (its primary audience outside of sicko adult males with hard-ons for Hillary Duff...which...I am not?) that their mothers are out there in cyberspace and just as the girl in this movie fools her mom THEIR MOMS COULD BE FOOLING THEM. It's actually a public service, keeping girls from falling victim to cyber predators and making sure that they spend their time giving hand jobs to backup tight ends on the school's football team, like god intended.

So score one for Hollywood, finally putting forward the right message. One that emphasizes lies, subterfuge, betrayal, and the fact that with the internet you don't know who anyone is or who's watching you at any time. The only way this movie could be better would be to have a hilarious subplot where an NSA agent spying on their exchange falls for the mother too and tries to seduce her away from...her daughter.

Okay. Well. It's still creepy.

*The Gay Itinerary

7:00 AM Slide out from between ridiculously high thread-count sheets.
7:15 AM A nice breakfast frittata with some fresh-squeezed orange juice.
7:30 AM Quick workout. Must obtain buns of steel at any cost.
7:45 AM Shower, singing along to Judy Garland's greatest hits.
8:00 AM Put on the ensemble. Oh my god, these shoes are fabulous!
8:30 AM Leave for work, making sure to check out cute jogging guy's ass.
9:03 AM Arrive at work. What's Sean wearing? Oh My God, are those new Burberry socks? That bitch! Where does he get the money?
10:45 AM Touch a child. Just kidding! Yogurt break!
12:30 PM Chicken Salad lunch and a Frappuccino. That's going straight to my thighs.
3:30 PM Surf over to Ha! When will Mischa Barton learn?
5:15 PM Head home.
6:30 PM A quick hop on the treadmill. Got to work off that Frapuccino. Why do I love whipped cream so much? Why.
8:00 PM Change into my going out clothes. Oh my god. I make this vest WORK. I mean most guys couldn't, but I really do. I've got a great chest!
8:30 PM Dinner out with friends.
9:30 PM Maybe hit a club or bar or something.
11:30 PM Disrupt heterosexual marriage.
12:30 PM Bed!

Gays disgust me.

I love you Dustin. We were meant to be. Call me. Please.
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