Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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I am a toxic person

A pointless entry.

iconoclast called me fat last night* and said that we could never be together (Apparently caring about the sanitary status of your fruit makes you a "Huge fucking bottom." Who knew?)

And I am fat. But it's something I'm working on. Whenever I get even a whiff of an interesting female I immediately start to worry about my weight, hair, and various other inadequacies. It's loads of fun.

Anyway, to work on my weight I am using my treadmill, which is really the only form of cardiac exercise I can tolerate for extended periods of time. I don't like bikes because they make my ass hurt, I don't like walking or running outside because it's boring (treadmill is in front of my TV) I don't like sports because I absolutely suck at them.

And the treadmill is fine right now and everything's going well. Except for one thing. The smell. See I am the kind of guy who tends to sweat a lot when I work out. And by a lot I mean buckets upon buckets upon buckets. I also get hot, and with the weather the way it's been the only way I've been able to combat this has been to strip down to my boxers and aim a fan directly at my torso, thus taking advantage of my sweat spray to cool me off. The problem is that as the sweat dies it leaves residue on my skin and in my boxers, and by the time I'm done with my first session I smell like a ginkgo nut suppository that was recently discovered in the rectum of Chris Farley's corpse. By the time my second session's done I smell like chemical warfare.

So I strip down and shower, but then when I leave the shower there's the question of what to do with the clothing left over. See you don't want to pick it up right after a shower because that'll just get you FILTHY with sweat stink again. But you don't want to leave it on the bathroom floor because, I swear to god, it will eat right through. So I usually try to use some sort of tool or stick to move them to the laundry. But once there I don't want them in contact with any other clothing, because let's face it, that kind of stink never TRULY leaves cloth. I usually end up putting them in on their own, but then I feel guilty about doing such a small wash, even as the scent wafts from the machine and tells me to GET ON WITH IT!

I have a towel hanging off the handle that I use to wipe myself down. I left it on for 3 days once without washing. The first day it was fine. The second day there were flies buzzing around it. The third day there were no flies. They were all dead.

It's tough being toxic.

*What he actually said was that I couldn't fit in a dress made for Paris Hilton, so I guess the correct term is "non-emaciated" but it STILL STINGS.
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