Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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I bet you're hard to get over. I bet the room just won't shine.

And once again I can't get Erin out of my FUCKING head. I don't really want to talk about her but I just wanted to say that. I wish she'd go away already. I didn't do anything to her, I was nice and distant and gave her plenty of space because I knew I was a loser undergrad still living with my mother and she was a grad student and I had no shot in hell. But I shouldn't be tormented like this.

Speaking of torment, it's time to respond to Dr. X again (Ben does Sarcasm too L-man)

Issue #1) The good Dr. has my full name apparently. First and last. I am somewhat taken aback by this. I realize that it has been going on since the second time he emailed me but I wonder where he got it. Is there a way to access it through Livejournal? That would not be so good. I dunno, I guess it's not a big deal, I'm not afraid of what I've said. But I don't want to be so....known....either. I feel slightly naked. Oh well, I'll get over it.

I am too depressed and dazed to respond to everything that Dr. X said so I will just take highlights.

The American Army has about 800,000 standing troops I believe, with more in the reserves, other branches, and national guard. IT is not enough for a protracted ground engagement, not nearly enough. Every single person I've spoken to who knows shit about military preparedness says that if we got into a war we'd need to draft. Remember also that America is supposed to be ready to fight on two fronts. Which means we need to retain enough trained men to buy time to train more draftees should a second war break out while we're diddlying around in the middle east. The draft WOULD be implemented if it went to all out war.

Why don't I follow my heart? Because it's smashed and trampled. I am a very vulnerable and sensative person although I try not to show it. I cry with disturbing regularity and I'm a sucker for sappy romance and all that fun stuff. To maintain distance and protection I need to stay headward bound. That's not headed towards the head but rather tied up by it. The puns are the price you pay for reading this journal. Learn to deal with them. I have.

I try to avoid emotion because I feel that anyone I trust with my feelings will just betray me and hurt me in deep and permanent ways. You ever see the episode of the Simpsons where Bart falls for the babysitter and she dates Jimbo and he has this fantasy where she reaches into his chest, yanks out his heart, and throws it on the ground cackling "You won't be needing THIS anymore"? That's pretty much how I think people are for the most part.

Dr. X asked me to mail him back directly, to take things out of the realm of the journalistic and put them into the realm of actual honest to Jesus communication. He phrased it in the form of a baited challenge (although not a really good one because one can choose to see refusing bait as the greater challange than taking it). I respond now by saying that I have more than enough COURAGE to do so, I just am too tired right now and although it may sound like a cop out I've honestly forgotten the majority of the things that I used to think about him. I could reconstruct them going back through previous emails but I'd need to be in a sharper frame of mind for that. I was only sharp for about 2 hours today, right after I gulped down some Centrum. I swear that Centrum (It's a multivitamin) makes me high. Every time I feel REALLY shitty I remember I haven't taken my vitamins in awhile and then I gulp down a few of the pale orange pills and feel better. Either I have some sort of deficiancy or someone's been spiking my vitamin pills.

I hate medicine and drugs. I don't take aspirin when I have headaches or even broken bones and even when I was suicidal I refused prozac. I prefer to feel the real.

I also don't like when people say that something they are feeling doesn't compare with something I am feeling or visa versa. Newsflash but just because an emotion or pain is mine doesn't make it more intense or important than anyone elses. And what Dr. X mentioned would certainly SEEM to be more painful or unpleasant thatn what I have experienced. Which should chasten me and make me a good boy but I'm too fucking tired, angry, and disoriented for that. So Xy I'll take you up on your li'l email threat sometime later when I'm not feeling so shitty. And as for the rest of you, if there is a rest of you, have as good a fucking week as possible. Go suck on some pretty person's face or do unspeakable things in the back of a Chevy. I'm too fucked up to even condemn right now.
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