Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

  • Music:

They kill without mercy.

EVACUATE NEW YORK. WE ARE ALL DOOMED. The responsible newsmedia once again makes the calm and rational point that if the long overdue "Northern Hurricane" hits New York City the entire U.S. economy will collapse like a house of cards and paper money will be worthless except as tissue paper. No such hurricane has hit the area since 1938, but favorable conditions this year make it a NEAR CERTAINTY that not only will this hurricane develop but that it will land directly on Manhattan like a dart flung by World Dart Champion Gary Anderson.

In addition, a Northern Hurricane is two to three times faster than southern hurricanes and much bigger than their southern cousins.

Some facts that the article doesn't mention about Northern Hurricanes:

Unlike Southern Hurricanes, which are made up of wind and water, Northern Hurricanes are made of the souls of sailors who perished at sea, souls that desperately want revenge on the living.

Southern Hurricanes mostly destroy trailer parks and wooden homes. Northern Hurricanes cut through concrete, steel, and brick like they were paper.

A person who dies in a Northern Hurricane is 38 times as dead as someone who dies in a Southern Hurricane.

Northern Hurricanes do not respond to magic or prayer, whereas Southern Hurricanes do. (New Orleans couldn't be saved because it is such a sinful sinful city, what with the breasts and all.)

Northern Hurricanes are coldblooded. They cannot be reasoned with. They obey no laws, neither those of man nor those of nature.

Northern Hurricanes have awesome names like "The Long Island Express" or "Deathwind '06" while Southern Hurricanes have girlie names like Katrina, which quite frankly sounds like the goody two-shoes girl in your daughter's ballet class.

The following is a likely time line of what will happen if a Northern Hurricane does hit:

Day 1: The complete obliteration of Manhattan. It will become nothing more than an Atlantic Estuary.

Day 2: We stop looking for survivors and start getting reports of waterlogged zombies climbing from the wreckage of the city.

Day 3: Barbaro looks like he might pull through after all!

Day 4: You're going to have to start eating the flesh of your friends and family members if you have any hope to survive. Blood is the only fresh source of water. Every city in the United States in flames, the countryside flooded with refugees. Only Detroit remains unaffected, not because these things aren't going on but because, you know, it's not really much of a change.

Day 5: The rapture.

Day 6: Block Party in heaven.
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