The temperature in New York City rose above "scorching" today to land in what most weatherpeople refer to as the "FUCK FUCK, OH GODDAMN IT'S HOT" zone. With the city government offering such helpful advice as "Whatever you do don't go outside" and "Try to avoid breathing the air" I'm pretty sure we've reached the "Now is the perfect time to panic!" zone. Try to avoid breathing the air? What the fuck are we supposed to breath?
I hate the summer. When the weather gets cold in the winter I feel sharp and alive. But the heat? Headaches, lethargy, and sticky sticky sweat. I leave my air conditioned room to go deal with something and come back looking like someone sprayed me with the hose.
This isn't about global warming, it's about the weather being way too fucking hot. There's a cold front coming, but apparently the heat's tiring it out too, since it won't be down until Thursday. Meanwhile we all broil.
What I really want to do is find some intelligent design advocates and be like "How about this? Is this fucking intelligent design? Is it being so hot that even the ice cubes are spontaneously combusting a sign that there's some brain out there making this all happen?" Fuck, I mean if there IS a God he's going to need a whole bunch of flunkies to keep all the heat-stroke victims from tarring and feathering his holy ass.
"What the fuck, man? I mean what the fuck?"
"Hey, dude. It's the weather. You know, what are you going to do?"
"Aren't you God? Can't you do anything?"
"Okay. Technically that's true. But if you'll just listen..."
"I'm gonna kick your ass."
"JOHN! Either the baptist or the other one. A little help here?"
All I'm saying is that if America is God's country and this is the shit he treats us he has clearly come to rely on our support regardless of what he does. I'll bet it's like 84 with a nice refreshing breeze in Saudi Arabia.
We should totally be voting for Vishnu. He's got four arms to fan us with. Jesus only has two. I'm just sayin'