Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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They're stunned

I lied today. Last night I told Jeff that I would talk to him from 5:25-6:10 because I had a 6:25 class. Well it turned out that my class was actually at 6:10 and I had just forgotten. So when I realized this I called him and cancelled saying that because of the disruptions in classes the professor had tacked an extra half hour on to the begining of class, optional, for those who wanted her to go over a part of the reading she wouldn't be able to get to in class. A fairly well structed lie (lying is something I tend to be rather good at even though I hate doing it and try to avoid it whenever possible). I did this partially because I assumed he would charge me if I said that I made a mistake and I wasn't sure if I felt it was fair considering that he had suggested the time late the night before when I was super groggy and exhausted and couldn't remember what class I had let alone when.

But that's dishonest and wrong. And the Main reason that I lied was I didn't want Jeff to think I was the kind of person who would make a slip like that. First of all it's embarassing since I pride myself on my memory which has gotten me out of plenty of jams (I got a 93 on a Spanish test I WAY underpreppared for partially because it was easy but also because I was able to dredge up hazy memories and make them work for me). The second is because I knew he would razz me on it for AGES. I don't know why I'm admitting it here except that I'm a bit of a coward and don't want to actually say it. I'm not actually a coward, just have low self esteem. You know the song.

Social Psychology class continues to be intensly easy and continues to provoke plenty of self reflection. My self esteem is terrible. I understood that before but now I understand a little bit more about what it means. People with good self esteem don't have to think that they are the best in everything, they just have to accept that being in the top 60% is damned good even if they are just number 39 out of 100. They accept themselves as normal flawed average human beings. Then they go get laid.

Giving up on Erin after secertly waiting for her to respond to my rather ill-advised email has made me re-evaluate just how intensly lonely I am. It's not like I hadn't already been obsessing about it. It's just that now I'm obsessing about it MORE. I'm starting to think that I want to find like an actual girlfriend or something. Which is a strange feeling for me and I'm not sure if it's out of breaking free of old stupid concepts that I clung to for no reason or just desperation. Second guessing myself is fun! Come on everybody join in!

Part of it is that one of my friends I met over the internet awhile back just got married. He's 25ish and he's MARRIED. And Charles is getting married soon too (he's 39 though and it's his second). I didn't think you were supposed to face the marriage thing until you were older! I cry foul. Hee-Ann is still obsessed with this chick he dated for literally 4 days back in LA (he calls her his ex-girlfriend which always makes me think about the girl he dated for 8 months a few years back instead of the 4 dayer) and I feel like a defensive tackle sealed off from the play by a double teaming of an offensive lineman and a tight end. Okay bad football metaphors are something you're just going to have to learn to deal with mister. And if you bring up the fact that most of the times a seal block is not a double team I'm going to have to get midevil.

One of the problems with looking around for girls at this point would be that there aren't any eligible ones around as far as I can see. Girls I am interested in are rarer than Muslims who fly the confederate flag. That was a stupid metaphor.

Dr. X says that he's glad I can be childish from time to time. I respond with a resounding


No but seriously I am childish too much. It's hard to explain but as controlled as I tend to be I am also a giant goofball. I pun without mercy. I have been known to chase men down and tweak their ears. I love roughhousing and penis jokes. I.E. Is that a baby carrot in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Baby carrots are small. Saying that a man's erect penis is the size of a baby carrot is an insult. See how that works? Mmmkay?

I'm rambling and exhausted and it's only 10:55. Misery.

I have a yearning to get out to the country but I won't be able to for at least 3 weeks. That is not very good. I want to watch a sunset and smell the grass and taste fresher air and roll down a hill and walk up into the woods and lie down on some leaves and go to sleep watching birds in the sky. I want to do it NOW in fact.

I'm emotionally distraught right now. It's funny how I get good grades but I never expect good grades and I don't think that my future is secure at all. People with much less in the way of academic success feel secure in their futures and expect to do very well in life. I do not. Not really. And I never expect to have a girl of my very own. Even if I do decide to admit I want one. Such is life.

I'm going to wash my sweatpants now, I'll need them for working out tomorrow. I like sweatpants. Not when they're sweaty though. When they're clean. I need more pairs of sweatpants
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