Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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I'm sorry 'bout the attitude I need to give when I'm with you

I need to stop posting when it's late and I'm tired. I haven't reread what I put up yesterday but I'm pretty sure I would blush if I did. I dunno, that's one of the problems I'm encountering with this journal. I try not to censor myself but I also know in the back of my mind that there are other people reading it and I don't particularly enjoy getting unsolicited suggestions as to how I ought to handle my life and what's wrong with me. I mean I do enjoy and even want responses and communications from random parties, that's sort of part of the point of this whole silly exercise, but I also want the ability and right to be honest and even inconsistant without being judged.

Let's face it, every person makes mistakes, every person has inconsistancies and dumbass ideas and all the other fucked up jazz that makes humans imperfect. And that means that not only do I have issues and stupidities and flaws which I report here but anyone who reads this thing has the same. And that's a scary fact when you think about it. I mean there's stuff in here that could be used against me by anyone motivated enough to do so (why would they be so motivated? I have no idea. But people can be fucking assholes at time. I mean if someone would be motivated to murder over six thousand people for working in a tall building I wouldn't exactly be shocked by any terrible immoral behavior involving the unfair and cruel dissemination of limited pieces of information to the wrong parties. People are animals. And some people are nastier and more brutal and cruder than others, and unfortunatly in this world the worse people have powerful advantages over the better ones. If you have no sense of shame and no moral system all you have to worry about are appearances. Not so with those of us who hold deeper convictions and scruples.)

Okay. So that whole LONG fractured badly written thingee was meant to lead up to the fact that I made valid claims about myself in my last entry that I don't WANT to support right now. I don't want to deal with people talking to me about them. I want to let them go back beneath the surface again. And of course this has me wondering where to stand on the line between going too far to feel comfortable and not going far enough to be honest. Things to think about.

At least I don't care if my entries are readable anymore. I'm happy about that. These discourses are incredibly confusing and private and fractured. Go me.

And by the way, my thoughts about the bad stuff that could happen with this journal are pretty much what I usually think through about anything I plan to participate in. It's not just paranoia, it's logical. I mean every day out there somebody is being hit by a car, somebody's girlfriend has AIDS and knows it but isn't saying, somebody is being raped

Somebodies daddy isn't coming home

and just because I'm me doesn't make me immune. I prefer to think through what COULD happen before it does, just in case. People have accused me of being cruel or deceitful simply because I'm quite good at figuring out ways that other people could be cruel or deceitful. One of the reasons I want to join a counterintelligence agency, I'd be good at playing mental chess with spies.

My future is very uncertain though. Outside the single sized bed/empty heart metaphor I have no idea what I'll end up doing.
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