I guess this is part of what Jeff was saying in his "just live" bullshit. I also know it will be difficult to do around my mother who goes insane over every little tiny thing. Do I dare move and just not worry where the money will come from, trusting that I will find a job or something? Do I dare?
I'm afraid to even clean my room with anything resembling proper speed because I am afraid of throwing something out. Like one of the comic books buried in here will get chucked and I'll want to read it 4 years from now and have to repurchase it. Well all this self torture isn't worth the risks. It really isn't. It's time to pull back from being a super type A personality who freezes himself up with perfectionism and rediculous goals and just exist. It's time to unclench a little. The price is not worth what it buys.
That doesn't mean I'm willing to let go of morality or responsibility. It just means I need to really focus on not sweating the small stuff. The fact that a person with a GPA much lower than mine can feel greater academic confidence and be normal is just strange. SEE? That sentence sucked it didn't get across what I meant, which is that because I am so uptight and focused on possible negatives I have unrealistic views. Or at least un-normal views.
This change is of course going to be difficult to carry out, but I have no choice anymore. At least I have been feeling loads better since I made this decision, the only thing bringing me down is the fact that I have school for 3 hours soon so I can't start living light until that's done. But oh well.
I'm just going to post this entry unfinished as part of the new, less caring and careful me.