Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Not enough is too much

I realized today that one of my problems is that, contrary to my belief that I wasn't doing enough, I am TRYING to do too much. I just flat out try too hard at most things. I worry myself into exhaustion without getting anything done and it's pointless. I need to REALLY concentrate on making a list of priorities and on not sticking to it too carefully. When I stopped worrying about school and made it auxilliary to my life my grades shot up. I was sitting around watching Bubblegum crisis and idly wondering how most people managed to get things done and it hit me that they don't stress out so much or run so many alternative scenarios through their heads. Most people if they have a history of scoring high on tests don't worry if they are the first person to finish. Most don't sit down and pretend to recheck all their answers just because they are supposed to. Most people don't pre-experience rejection or failure as a pre-requesite to making an attempt.

I guess this is part of what Jeff was saying in his "just live" bullshit. I also know it will be difficult to do around my mother who goes insane over every little tiny thing. Do I dare move and just not worry where the money will come from, trusting that I will find a job or something? Do I dare?

I'm afraid to even clean my room with anything resembling proper speed because I am afraid of throwing something out. Like one of the comic books buried in here will get chucked and I'll want to read it 4 years from now and have to repurchase it. Well all this self torture isn't worth the risks. It really isn't. It's time to pull back from being a super type A personality who freezes himself up with perfectionism and rediculous goals and just exist. It's time to unclench a little. The price is not worth what it buys.

That doesn't mean I'm willing to let go of morality or responsibility. It just means I need to really focus on not sweating the small stuff. The fact that a person with a GPA much lower than mine can feel greater academic confidence and be normal is just strange. SEE? That sentence sucked it didn't get across what I meant, which is that because I am so uptight and focused on possible negatives I have unrealistic views. Or at least un-normal views.

This change is of course going to be difficult to carry out, but I have no choice anymore. At least I have been feeling loads better since I made this decision, the only thing bringing me down is the fact that I have school for 3 hours soon so I can't start living light until that's done. But oh well.

I'm just going to post this entry unfinished as part of the new, less caring and careful me.
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