Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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If flesh could crawl my skin would fall from off my bones and run away from here

Wow social psych today opened up a WHOLE can of worms. Not one of them little pop-tops either, we're talking a jumbo size need an electric opener because a mechanical one would wear your wrist out turning can of grade A nightcrawlers.

The professor was talking about how one's views effect their lives and I hit all the markers for both tendancy towards depression and depression itself. The thing is that the professor keeps harping both on how depressed people are both more realistic and less healthy than optimistic people. She ended the lecture by telling people that self-delusion is healthy and should be practised. I wanted to raise my hand and say "Healthy for who" because she didn't focus on overall social effects, just personal ones. But she wasn't taking questions at that point.

I don't know, I just think I have RATIONAL reasons to feel worthless. Shall we examine the facts?

1) I was born to a father who commited suicide
2) I was born to a crazy cruel abusive mother
3) I recieved lousy genes for weight and a lousy upbringing for fitting in
4) The only things that I seem to have at anything above average levels are morality and intelligence. Morality is for saps and gets you absolutely nothing. Appearing moral is more important for personal gains than actually being moral. Intelligence is a big time double edged sword. It's nice to be smart but it can be incredibly alienating because my interests and behaviors are NOT the same as my peer group's. For example a guy struck up a conversation with me in sociology class and mentioned he had a test in probability and statistics the next day. I said that I hoped he aced it and he responded "Yeah, ace it from the wrong side." So I made a joke about how he'd be many standard deviations from the norm (I said four but amended it to more) with a zero and he just didn't get it. He thought at first I didn't understand what a standard deviation was, then that I was insulting him. In the end he chalked it up to my inferior math skills, but they were not to blame. I simply figured that on such a test the average score would be around a 70 with 15 point standard deviation. 15x4=60 so I said he'd be about 4 standard deviations from the norm (In fact it's closer to 5 but whatever.) I guess that's not the sort of joke that people make.

I don't know, I feel that the world DOES reject me on a fairly regular basis. And if college is preparation for real life then what kind of real life am I preparing for? High quality but thankless work at a job I find unchallanging and boring? No true friends? No love? No rest?

I feel like other people are moving forward and I am not but I don't know how to. I just don' in out there. People don't like me, don't want me around, and I'm not self centered enough to want to intrude on their little reindeer games. The only people I get along with reasonably well are at least a half decade older than I am and when you're not even twenty yet that MEANS something. I mean I think I have reason to be depressed. The world HASN'T treated me well, it shows no real signs of improvement, and it's not in one particular arena but rather in most of them (I mean I guess I can walk and all so I don't have it COMPLETELY bad.) And all my good qualities seem to be realms that aren't really all that important to the average person.

I don't know why I should expect life to get better without some evidence. This class says that unrealistic optimisim is a good thing and I just can't bring myself to agree.

I don't know, I'm feeling insecure and down on myself and overwhelmed and undervalued and a whole lot of other unpleasant stuff. I also don't feel like myself, my intellect isn't as sharp as it used to be and I can't go as deep. I worry that it's permanent but chances are it's just a combination of whatever illness I've been fighting (and am still fighting) lack of sleep, and the WTC thing.

Wow, looks like I can be optimistic after all. But I'm pessimistic about it having any positive results.

There was more stuff running through my brain but I didn't have the energy to write it down. Most of it was about the profound sadness of never having a girl to kiss or a family to rear. You can just go to old posts and reread my rants there if you want the gist.
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