Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Take it back how dare you take it back? No you can't. You should have thought of that.

You know I wasn't entirely truthful last night when I said that I ascribe everything to being global, stable, and internal. I think that a lot of things are external. I don't feel that at my core I am a bad person. I just feel like I don't fit. I don't think that I would be more pleased with myself if I was a suburban hip-hopper or rural country-singer wannabe with plenty of confidence and pussy but no talent.

It's just that I don't think it matters whether I'm the bad one or the other people are. At least not with respect to my own happiness, hopes etc. I just don't feel that I fit. I'm a liberal in many ways and a conservative in many others. When I talk to people about my views a lot of them tend to agree with me but that could just be a social artifact as described by my Social Psych teacher (It's one that I don't have at all though, my views don't change depending on who I'm talking to unless said person manages to convince me to think differently.)

It's hard to define how I really feel about myself and the world. Part of me says that I am an outsider who will never know what it is to come in, part of me says that I'm a late bloomer just waiting for a hole to explode through (Football metaphor, runningbacks and offensive/defensive lines and all that. If you don't like it figure out where you can stick it)
Part of me says that I can't know and part of me says that I should just go ahead and try to work out a position in the world whether it's possible or not.

Of course this constant inner conflict is a large part of why I tend to get so paralyzed and depressed. I overthink and overanalyze.

Who am I? It's a question we all have but one that I am frighteningly far from being able to answer. What measuring stick do I take? The praise and respect I get from my teachers and elders or the apathy and avoidance I get from most of my peers?

I'm tired and I'm having a really bad month. I am strong enough to keep going but my GPA might drop to the 3.3 range this semester which I don't want. How come there aren't any easy answers for me? Does anyone actually believe that adversity now will pay off later? Meaning of life? We've got no more meaning to us than dust or potatos or quarks. It's just a sad fact that somewhere along the way we got a soul.

I leave you with this thought. I would have been better off being born a couple hundred years ago, and the only thing that has me hopeful right now is the fact that if worst comes to worst I can always move to some thin-aired wild place and live out my life in peace and somewhat happiness if not fulfillment or closeness to other human beings.
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