Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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If you're broke she'll spit and if you're rich she might swallow

Rollercoaster week. I'm feeling pretty crappy right now. I feel fucking lost again. Jeff wants to blame it on the September Eleventh incedent and I will admit that that was the start of the current downtrend but I don't think it's the only thing that's going on.

It's also that I don't feel on solid ground these days. I don't think the world will stand still for me to finish my education, or more specifically I don't think MY world will stand still long enough. Rugs keep getting pulled up from under. My head hasn't been on straight for going on a month now. Do you know what that's like?

I also am waiting to find my passion. Where the fuck could it be? I don't know.

Jeff was talking about how single people do much worse during tragedies than those who are in couples. I believe it. I believe that being single is a rather sad and unhealthy state. Humans weren't meant to be alone. But I am and that isn't going to change SOON regardless of what you want to argue about eventualities. I just need some short term solutions and none are really available. It makes me sad and lonely. And when I get sad and lonely I become withdrawn. It's a fun fun little cycle. I don't know what to say right now but I wanted to write this down so I could look at it and think about it later. What CAN I do? How can I find people who can accept me for who I am and get past the gruff caustic exterior to the funny sweet loyal interior which only is brought out when it is clear that there are no foes around.

People who know me trust me, I am a very moral helpful person at heart. People tell me things like "You have a very strong sense of ethics" or "How could anyone who knows you not love you?" but it doesn't end up meaning shit. Maybe I'll have to swallow my pride and join some stupid pointless activity to just stay alive. I feel like the part of the progression I am going through right now is the part where I stop feeling okay by myself and really wanting friends and other people around me. I don't feel like I'm going backwards in the journey of my life in any way except mood. *sigh* who knows ultimatly? I JUST WANT SOME FUCKING GUARANTEES. And there are none.
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