Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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Mrs. Jones knows what the dogs like, and the dogs know what they like about her

I got some sleep last night and I feel more like myself than I have for quite awhile. I think. Well I feel more centered and like my thoughts and ideas are coming from the inside out rather than the other way around, which has how its felt recently. I've been worried that I got braindamaged or something because of the extended period of time that has passed where I have been unable to reach down for that extra idea or bit of brilliance as I so often used to do. It might just be stress or depression or exhaustion though. I'm STILL tired right now, I can close my eyes and it feels great, but I have a school day to complete so I can't let that slow me down.

I do get paranoid about being brain damaged a lot. It's just one of those things that runs through my head a lot, whenever I can't figure something out or I make a mistake or I find that I just can't focus. It's a stupid thing to worry about because it's nearly impossible to judge and it's not really like I could do anything about it if it were true (ignoring the low chances of it actually BEING true) but that's the kind of guy I am.

I guess I should start treating my mind and body like a temple or something, you know what all those athletes and people who want to succeed say, but it's hard to treat something like a temple when everyone else seems to think it should be condemned.

Last night I was walking home from social psychology class (A class that seems easy but can also be quite depressing as it gives evidence of all the ways I am socially inept and other such fun things) and some guy was talking to another guy about spending 4 hours that afternoon playing around with a music creation program on his computer. That sounded fine and I vaguely eavesdropped on their conversation while paying more attention to the night sky and the great feeling of crisp autumn weather (my favorite kind of weather except perhaps for bone chilling winter winds) Anyway after he finished talking about his music program thing he said "What I'm REALLY thinking about is sex, cause my girlfriend gets off her period today." He went on to tell his friend about how regular she was and about how he avoided dates with her on days when she was having it. This was normal male insensativity and I didn't really care, I mean I'm used to it and women assure me that they know all about how guys act when they're not around, so whatever. But what I WAS thinking was "How does this guy find time for school, presumably work because he's pretty old looking, a girlfriend, and peaceful contemplation time?" I can't figure out how somebody would schedule all that. I can barely schedule peaceful contemplation and school without going crazy. In fact I really can't. Of course it's true that I keep adding stuff to the load (Like making sure to watch all the football games I can on sunday so that I can better understand the game and how to make metaphors from it, and Star Trek Enterprise so that I can support the choice of Scott Bakula as captain to trekkies without getting facts wrong) but still. I don't understand how normal people go about LIVING. I just can't get it done and it makes me feel incompetant and stupid. So much stuff just BORES me. Bores me out of my mind.

I'm SO fucked up it scares me at times. I wonder how I got this way and if there's any way to get it back to good. If not my life looks like it's going to be fairly shitty. That's life though, some get glory and fortune and grade A pussy, and some get the shaft. Who would clean out the gloried ones comodes if there were no shaftees?
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