Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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If misery loves company then why am I so alone?

I'm getting depressed again, I can feel it in my bones. I have no energy to do anything and I am starting to look forward to going to sleep at night. School is a horrible drudgery that I can barely stand at this point. I have a TON of reading to catch up and I only managed about 70 pages this weekend because I feel so miserable that I can barely manage to look for my books, let alone open them if and when I find them.

Today I almost got pulled into the realm of happiness by the Giants' near upset over the Rams', but the way they lost at the last minute, with a pass interference call and then a dropped pass interception....ugh. It's just more proof of how fond life is of kicking me in the throat. And yes I know having a sports team lose a stupid game is completely irrelevant, but when you watch your favorite team lose a down to the wire game due to terrible officiating after breaking the back of the unstopable Ram's a downer. Judge me if you want, I'll spit in your face.

I think one of my major problems is that I don't believe in the future. I want instant gratification because I don't trust that gratification will be possible a few weeks down the line. I just have no feeling of stability in my life. Part of it comes from living with someone as unpredictably cruel and stupid as my mother, part of it comes from my father and from what's going on now, but part of it also comes I think from not having any loved ones whatsoever. I feel like a homeless man from time to time, invisible and irrelevant to the nth degree. I mean I'm just NOT an important or relevant person, to anyone. And that does hurt. On a fundemental level no matter how much I try to deny it it hurts. The thing is that there isn't really anyone that I want to matter to right now. Nobody gets me, nobody matches up well with me, there's nobody OUT there for me to spend time with or talk to or ANYTHING. And that hurts too.

Of course this means that I am starting to feel sharp again. Sharpness brings misery in my life and experience. It's the price you pay.

So that's a good thing I guess.

I think that all this is part of the reason that I started this journal. Sort of my way of telling the world "I don't care what you know about me, or what you think of me, you wouldn't like me anyway so why not learn to not like the REAL me?" And so far it's worked pretty well. There's nobody left to read this shit, not even my shrink. But that's even more okay. It's poetic to scream and rant into the void.

The wind never answers and prayers are for suckers. Learn to take pleasure in the warmth of a hot tear on a cold cheek. The rivers will keep running and the sun will rise even after your misery is finished. Dust can't choose where it will land or control its destiny and in the end we are little more than caged dust.
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