Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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The Dying of the day

Today was strange. I went through Spanish in a daze (Although I got a 93 on the second test which means that if I play my cards right I can walk out of that class with an A or an A- during a semester that is definitly going to hurt my GPA. I want that.) and I don't even remember Lit-Hum. I made a few more bad jokes and pulled out one of my academic routines (the ones that make me look smart.) The rest of it was a blur except that the guy who I think admires me a little and I shared a couple words. I don't know, I really don't care about that.

Anyway I went home with a headache and they were painting part of the apartment so the fumes didn't help it. I talked to Jeff and he said some stuff that really hit home. About how wrapped up in external praise I am and about how no matter what I'm not going to be happy for a good, long while. It was interesting to hear a shrink admit that. Most of them seem to hold out happiness and well-adjustedness as a goal of therapy. Jeff does too I guess but at least he admits that it isn't fucking easy.

It was also interesting to hear him talk about how he doesn't think that people have permanent inner selves but rather that they can change over time in fundemental ways. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing when it comes to me. How much do I need to/want to change? I don't really like myself as am, but I also don't want to BE someone else. I can't really explain it, but due to bunches of psychological defense mechanisms etc I feel that my CORE self is good and the stuff that needs to change is all sort of auxiliary. I realize that if my good qualities were different I would probably prize those the most and consider whatever my bad qualities were to be the less important thing.

But that sort of what iffiness is pointless.

Anyway the idea of people being able to change in fundemental ways is both exciting and scary. I mean I'd like to be able to gain some self confidence and grounding and be more internally focused (Mastery oriented in Professor Grant-Pillow's terminology) but I also want to maintain my rigid morality and general personality. It's a strange thought that I might be a FUNDEMENTALLY different person 20 years from now. Of course the very thought of twenty years is bizzare in its own way. But it is interesting to at least dream about the posibility of exorcizing my flaws away.

Social Psychology has become more and more interesting. Today we went over stereotypes and I thought about my own stereotypes (including The Big One which I'm not going to rehash here, to my own future delight when I reread this) and while I didn't exactly resolve to change them it did make me at least reconsider some of the ways that I've phrased them. For example when the professor talked about how as a female she has a tendancy to think about women as a wildly diverse population and men as a more homogenous predictable one. I guess I have the same thoughts in reverse and they don't really make a heck of a lot of sense from a logical perspective. But HOLDING them is useful, because they allow me to avoid a population that I have had almost entirely negative experiences with. I have never been close to a female, ever, and while it's true that discrimination reinforced stereotypes and visa versa (this is all from the lecture so I'm kinda arguing with that and myself right here, but I should be the only one reading this anyway so I should pick up on the reference anyway. Got that...ME?) I think that there's more to it then that. Jeff called me a man's man and I agree. I just wasn't psychologically designed to get along with or make nice with females. I can tolerate them and work with them and be just towards them etc, but in terms of personal relationships? Just dunt work. If only I'd been born gay.

I wish I still had my button that said "Drink Blood: 50 Trillion Mosquitos can't be wrong" It would be the perfect thing to wear to school as a sort of "Stay Away, this boy is dangerous AND nerdy" statement. The little shop that sold it was near Stuyvesant High School and thus the World Trade Center. I wonder if it's still open.

Memories, harsh biting memories of what once was.

Now that my sharpness is starting to return I've begun to remember WHY I like being alone. There's something very peaceful about not having to worry about making sense to other people or about what they think. I don't know, I have a lot to think about right now. What I want from life, what I'm willing to do to get it, who I am, who I want to be, who my friends are, whether I'm okay with not having any loved ones etc. If I was an optimist I could say "Hey, I've got nothing to lose. No real friends, no attachements, no need for regrets, I have money and intelligence and I can get a degree from a good school, the world is mine for the taking."

I'm not though. I have no reason to be an optimist. But maybe I'm getting there one day at a time. Nonsequitor to the rest of you but not to me. Goodnight seattle, I love you.
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