Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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And so castles made of sand melt into the sea, eventually

An old friend of my fathers stayed here last night. She is a Palestinian woman with her head totally in the clouds. She's devoted the last few years of her life to developing some sort of theory on how to integrate Jerusalum under Israli and Palestinian rule and she's trying to get funding for the project but nobody's biting (For obvious practicality reasons.) Anyway she's totally out of money, a year behind on her rent, living off credit cards and old earning potential (she is a Harvard PhD and has had some professor jobs but right now she's just an unpaid "Visiting Scholar" in a bunch of places.)

She's in her late 50's, brilliant by most people's standards, broke, alone, and futily attempting to accomplish a totally unrealistic dream.

And I worry that it will be me in 30 someodd years. Ugh. More proof that great people can accomplish NOTHING and often do. It's a sad sack world. She also of course made me miss my father and his warmth and openness. I miss him and I wish I could have a chance to speak to him now that I'm a bit more grown up and mature. I wish I could have the opportunity to discuss politics and science and all the stuff that I hated when he shoved it down my throat but have grown to appreciate with him. I wish I could get his advice on stuff, there's so much in the world that I simply do not understand and I have nobody to talk about it with.

Nadua (that's the woman who was staying with us, but I already know that so this aside is totally pointless) still thinks I'm 3 and makes references to comments I made to her when I was little that I have long forgotten. I said goodbye to her even though I really didn't want to because she has so little and I felt sorry for her. I should have been nicer but at least I said goodbye. That happens a lot (the should have been nicer thing)

I got an A- on my sociology paper that I did at the VERY last minute (Read during a few hours in between classes) and I didn't deserve it. I did a pretty lousy job and I wasn't at my sharpest when I wrote it but still I got an A-. I feel proud even though I shouldn't I should feel sad. Bad me. Bad Bad Me.

I slept through part of one of my classes today and was near unconscious through another class. That's okay though, if I can maintain any focus and sharpness I should survive the semester without too much GPA damage and with at least some learning having been achieved (Yeah I felt I might as well mention that aspect of school too :-P)

I think I've felt more comfortable in my own skin since Jeff took away some of the pressure to perform as a human being that I was under before. I don't NEED to be happy, I don't NEED to be well adjusted, I don't NEED to be liked. I just need to be myself and be moral and focus on what I care about and what I want. Those are hard things to process. I'm not perfect, I'm not even great. I may not even be good. But I'm me. And I deserve to exist on this earth just as much as any redneck sharecropper with four kids by three women and an empty beer bottle carpet in his trailer.

If I can't be as important as Einstein I can at least be as important as Cletus eh? Even without anyone who loves me or any guarantees. And there's room for Cletuses in this world, there's just got to be.

Some days I get to wishing that I could stare up at the stars and understand something about how the world just keeps on turning through the rivers of tears. But the thing is that the world doesn't need an excuse to keep turning, it just does. That's what planets do. And by extention maybe I don't need an excuse to keep living. Because that's what people do. And you don't owe your life to anybody any more than the world owes its turning. Nature doesn't keep tabs y'know?

That was incoherent cheezy and sentamentalist. So what. Fuck you. I may want what I haven't got but I sure as hell don't need to sit here thinking about listening to YOUR bullshit put downs about what I HAVE got.
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