Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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I can't get any lower, but still I feel I'm....sinking.

I had a test today. In sociology. A Mid-Term that counts for 20 percent of my grade, and I made a mistake. There were some definitions and though I studied them briefly I screwed them up pretty badly on the test. The question counted for 25 percent of the test grade. I feel pretty sure that I will recieve some partial credit but I don't know how much. It could be 15-20 points it could be 0-10 points. It's only 25 percent of 20 percent of my final grade, or 5 points off the final grade if I get it completely wrong and get no partial credit. I might have earned a little extra credit which might off-set a little bit my losses but I feel lousy about it. I didn't finish ALL the reading even though I did some of it, and I feel stupid for not getting a question right from part of the reading that I did finish. I'm tired today which is part of it but not really an excuse. My GPA is not going to be very good this semester, maybe even as low as a 3.0 although I doubt it will be THAT bad. I don't know, I feel like other than heading towards a degree I'm just marking time on the prison cell of my life and if my GPA ends up not being particularly good....well...then I've pissed away MORE of my dwindling life.

I taught class today and I did an okay job except that I wasn't sure of the pace that the class was going at. When I tried to speed up people complained and when I tried to slow down people complained. I am loathe to speak to people about behavior because they are all older than me and sometimes classroom chatter gets slightly out of hand. I did get one compliment from someone so that's good then.

There's this one guy in my class who is always quick to answer questions and ALWAYS wrong. I mean you'd figure he'd occasionally get one right by luck or something but he consistantly throws out three wrong answers before coming up with a right one. I try to be patient with him and not make any comments that could be seen as hurtful but maybe I am bending too far over backwards to please him. Part of it might have to do with race and gender. He's a young black man and they are often mistreated and underadvantaged in terms of educational opportunities, and there are girls around our age (He's probably 23, I'm 19, and the girls are around 17-25) in the class. Most guys do not like being embarassed in front of girls, and I don't want to discourage his educational ambition. I feel like I am technically sound enough to teach this class but not old or wise enough. Too late now though. I do better with the older students who have less energy and more obedience but that's to be expected. Still I feel that I should keep doing this as long as I'm wanted if only to prove that there is some reason for my putrid pathetic unloveable existance on this planet.

There was a girl from my high school in the supermarket today. She was the girlfriend of one of the guys I knew at the school. When she saw me she got this embarassed smile on her face and quickly looked away. She must have heard about my breakdown. That's okay, I don't care, I didn't particularly want to talk to her anyway (Hi, you are associated with a guy I remember from high school as his mate isn't a great conversation starter.) I do however wish that I could just disapear and be invisible or dead.

I am FULL of self loathing right now and it's NOT good because I have another test tomorrow and I really should prepare but as it is I kinda WANT myself to fail. If I was a dog I would take me out back and shoot me.

My mother is in atlanta and might have heart disease.

I guess I'll feel better later. I'm not suicidal or anything, but I am full of self hatred right now. THey say nobody will ever love you if you don't love yourself but they don't mention that you have to be WORTHY of that love in order to love yourself. I am not.

In one of my sociology books they talk about corporate wives and secretaries and how executives have women assisting supporting and being there for them 24/7. I will never have a woman there for me in any of those same ways at all. I'm not going to rise enough in any corporate heirarchy to have a secretary and I certainly will never have a girlfriend let alone a wife (I've taken an oath and stuff too that I won't date any women as long as my friend Paul is single so as to add to the pool for him. It's stupid but it was a fun masochsitic oath to take.) All I can say to the disrepancy between corporate men and myself in terms of women is.

Lucky Girls.
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