I have definitly hit a low point in one of my mood cycles. Or at least I hope its the low point. I feel lonely and worthless (That shouldn't surprise anyone) but most of all I feel trapped. I have all these school obligations and my true focus should be on getting myself on track in less concrete but more fundementaly important ways. Where along the way did I leave my contentiousness, anger, drive, and arrogance. Has being spoon-fed good grades for little effort made me buy into the educational establishment in a rather foolish attempt to inflate my self esteem? Where's the hard core of my being who had focus, drive, who was comfortable being by himself and saying fuck off to the rest of the world?
These days I'm just a shy quiet guy who hides in the back of classrooms and limps through life like the walking wounded. At least according to some. But the real me is SOMEWHERE inside, I know it. The question is do I want to let him out. I know I talk a good game and don't do much but these are problems I AM wrestling with and I do have evidence for the stuff I say. Right now I'm so tired I can barely see so I'm going to go to bed and just hope that I don't dream of her.
Oh yeah, and I was an idiot with respect to that today, but hey I'm 19 and if that's the biggest personal mistake I make all year I'm in GREAT shape.