Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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This is not between us

The holidays are always a tough time for me. For our international readers (you know, the stinky ones who jibber incesantly and incomprehensibly while pretending they are saying stuff) today is the American holiday of Thanksgiving. It is advertised as a time for family and faith for all the people in our country, but what about those of us who have no families or faith? I mean in years past I at least had my mother (although I can't say I'm sorry that I'm going to miss our annual thanksgiving fight) but this year I am truly by myself. There is nobody closer than Baltimore Maryland (where my Aunt went to be with my cousin's family) who is related to me by blood, or at least who I know and who is related to me by blood. Although I guess it's possible that Waterville Maine is closer than Baltimore but that's really just splitting hairs. Anyway, one of the problems with holidays is that it AMPLIFIES how alone you are. People are SUPPOSED to have families, no?

Yesterday I walked down to the garage where our car is kept in order to give the keys to my mother's boyfriend so he could take the car for inspection. It's a walk that I used to take with my father so many years ago. I don't think I've done it in a few years but it always brings a feeling of melancholy to me. See I HAD a family once and it was shredded one day while I was at school. Like when you were a little kid and you used to pretend that things that were not directly in your line of vision weren't real. That the whole world went blank or changed in fantastic ways whenever you blinked or turned your head. This time it was real, but things didn't change back when I went to look again.

Why do I keep coming back to my father? I mean it WAS seven years ago. It's because so many of my fundemental assumptions about life changed on that day and I've been struggling ever since to get them back. I still haven't figured out how to live without my father. How do you do something like that? Ignore your childhood and what you thought your future would be like and just hurtle off in a completely different direction?

I have no idea where to go

So I keep going back to the past.

I don't know, I've already cried this morning so maybe that's done with. I always cry on thanksgiving in rememberance of when my dad used to make Turkey and we'd be upstate and my parents friends would come over and if it was warm I'd have a watergun fight with their kids in the yard, or if it was cold we'd sit inside and play Tecmo Bowl on my nintendo and fight over who got to play next and what team we would be using (I always liked the giants but some of the other kids prefered the 49ers because the Montana mystique was still in operation back then.)

I miss those days. Now I sit alone and cold and refuse to go to anyone else's house because I know that I'll be TERRIBLE company today. Although I wouldn't mind some of those delicious thanksgiving foods truth be told. But They're not exactly health food so missing the dinner has its benefits too.

I'm rambling, but it's because I don't know how to get words around the hard sharp ball of emotion that's buried within me right now. I have no stable ground to stand on. How did Atlas hold up the world while standing in space? How did he even know what direction up was in?

School is evil. Even with all this SHIT going on I need to refocus and get fucking SCHOOL work done of all things. At least some of that work is bible reading which is a traditional Thanksgiving past time. Its days like this when I really lose all hope for the future. With the way my life has been for the last decade (almost), healthy and normal would just feel fucking WIERD to me.
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