Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Just anybody

It's a strange sensation to live life not really knowing who you are. Or at least being a different person depending on the situation. I know that many people feel like they can't be themselves around other people, but for me sometimes it's the opposite. I feel like with SOME people I can really truly be the me I want to be and think I can be, but alone or with others I revert to this lazy fuck who'se completely lost and wandering.

What kind of guy needs OTHER people to be himself? It's fucking deranged.

This is all brought on by the fact that I CANNOT bring myself to get my work done. Now if I'm working with someone else or if a favor is asked of me I can motivate and do it, but when I'm alone I just CAN'T force myself to get the job done. It's bizzare. I was going to clean and do homework this weekend and I didn't. I didn't do anything else of value either, just frittered away 3 days (Thanksgiving I went to a long dinner so it doesn't count.)

Why? What's wrong with me?

Is it because I relied on my father so much in my youth? Is it because most of the stuff I have to do just doesn't engage me on any significant level? Is it because I am naturally a totally lazy fuck? I don't think it's entirely a matter of willpower because I can stand very firm on my ethics even when it is painful or work intensive for me, so I just don't know what it is.

Ahh I'm rambling. It's just sometimes I feel almost....inhuman. Like everyone has all these seemingly reasonable expectations for me and what they see as a small step I see as a running leap over a huge gaping chasm...with scorpions and spikes at the bottom....and a crumbly ledge on the other side...and a field of tripwire on this side.

Is this how everybody feels? Are people just not in touch with themselves or is there something desperatly and fundementally wrong with me? Why can't I seem to view the world through everyone elses framework.

I have no significant goals. I have no close emotional relationships. I barely even have a meaningful self view and yes I do have psychological explanations for SOME of this stuff, but not in light of other things. If I can go into a strange social situation such as thanksgiving at a house full of women, and mostly lesbian women at that, and come out rather well I should be able to do the same in familiar social situations but I simply can't. It's bizzare. I don't know, I really should get to work on my sociology paper right now instead of sitting around feeling confused by if not sorry for myself.

Still, one does wonder about the common human experience when it seems to be so far off from what you yourself are experiencing.
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