I have to come to terms with my father. It's something that I am going to have to do if I'm going to move on, and it's not easy cause he's been dead 7 years. While fucking around on the internet last night I found Kim Hopper's essay on my dad.
(My dad is Eric if anyone actually chooses to read it. It's kinda interesting.)
Anyway I found this essay and for the first time in a long time I thought about just how special he was as a person. I thought about all the good stuff and how he stimulated me and helped me to grow. I thought about all the bad stuff and how he drove me at his pace instead of my own and how he made fun of my reading comic books even though I was only like 12. I thought about the fact that by the time he was my age he was going for his masters at the school I'm only going to be like a sophmore at (if I get my music done.) I thought about the fact that when I was 12 he took his own life and left me with my mother who has never recovered from the blow. I thought about all the ways that I collapsed after that. I thought about all the ways I have managed to hang on to life by the bleeding remnants of my finger tips.
I did a lot of thinking.
The thing is that I feel the walls starting to fall down. All the defenses I have built to protect myself from the world are starting to crack and break as I outgrow them. And I feel like I'm growing into my father. Being intelligent is a complicated thing. I've reigned in my mind for a long time. Kept it under control, kept it on a low setting. It wants to be free. I yearn for stuff that will challenge me. I yearn for a school where I have to do the reading to get an A. I want to find someone who can tower above me the way my father did. I want to be myself again.
On the other hand I don't want to deal with the isolation. I don't want to shoot past anyone because even with my last post I still want and need friends. Friends my age, friends who are as clueless about certain things as I am. I need people.
I'm going to have to make a choice. I'm going to have to choose between what I was born to be, bitter, brilliant, and alone, or what everyone wants to be, normal, loved, with a family. My heart tells me to go for number two but my head tells me to go for number one and I always follow my head. My little pain-man tells me that I'm going to end up bitter, normal, alone.
No matter how much I try to be, I am SO not a people person.
I don't think that I will ever have a meaningful relationship with someone of the opposite gender and I think it's at least in part because I'm afraid of starting a family and then killing myself 12 years later.
If I could sacrifice my life to achieve something great, I would in a heartbeat.