Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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Societal life

The last few days have been pretty decent. I think I did okay on my assignments and now it looks like I will be getting a much needed extension on my psych paper. I also actually managed to socialize just a little bit with my fellow college students, spending about half an hour yesterday talking to a woman who was in my art class over the summer and about an hour today talking to a guy from my sociology class. This might seem incredibly insignificant to anyone with a social life, but fuck you. I ain't looking for your approval. It's not like I really enjoy these interactions or crave them they just make me feel somewhat more normal which is kind of nice from time to time.

Anyway that's of course not the only cool thing that has happened. Today I got locked out my apartment for awhile and I really enjoyed it. I sat outside in the sunshine doing some course reading (I had my backpack with me and I hate libraries and such, I feel SO out of place in them and uncomfortable, plus you might run into someone you know!) And it was nice. I kinda enjoyed having nowhere to go and the freedom from distraction that comes with not having access to the net or TV or video games or alternate books or anything. It almost managed to make me feel human again which I haven't felt for a long time. I can remember being young and up in my country house worrying only about whether the water in the shower would be warm or if I would be able to go to the violent movie in town (Sometimes my parents made me watch the kiddie one.)

I haven't felt that way in a long long time. These days it's always worries about how much free time I have left or what school project I should be doing or how far behind I am in life. I can never relax and just have a moment of pleasant LIVING. And it's been that way for years. It's clearly not a good thing but it's hard to change and I feel like I HAVE to be successful in school to be a dominant male in life, and I have to be a dominant male to be happy. Foolish? Okay but it's the way I am and it was nice to get away from that, to get away from the future and just enjoy a nice taste of the present. Maybe if I took fewer classes I could do that more often, but then I'd feel even MORE pressure about the future. Isn't that the way of the work-a-holic (not that I am one) if I just get this ONE more report filed or this one budget balanced I'll be able to relax until POOF BAM heart attack.

Such is life

Anyway the last few days have not sucked as much as the ones preceeding them and I am fairly happy. I guess that's really it, why spoil the moment with more details?
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