Anyway after the psych library Hee-Ann and I went around to a couple places to get some printing done and grab some coffee, and we ended up in the Butler library lounge. Big Mistake. Now I generally don't like crowded rooms, but this one is the worst of the worst. First of all there is a constant barage of talking going on, second of all it is full of young people (I prefer old) and third of all it has the melancholy memory of the first meeting for the Spanish project and all the burdensome bullshit that stems from that. After I heard some guys chatting about going off to smoke some weed I couldn't take it anymore and I just flat out left Hee-Ann, told him it was too loud for me to study and that I had to split. I actually acted like a bit of an asshole but I just had to get out of there, I just wanted to get away from all those people and go somewhere safe. So I left, ignored his suggestions for later plans, and just walked out of the building.
Like an asshole
Like a Punk
Like a Loser
Like a Coward.
The last one is what bothers me most. I don't mind being a punk or a loser (or even a Lah-HOOser) but I don't like my own cowardice. The thing is I WAS bored there and distracted but I was also scared. Scared that she might appear and say hi or might appear and NOT say hi or might not appear. And I didn't like it. I don't like the idea of her potential existance in areas I frequent, not in the least. It's all about desire and control at the end of the day, cause desiring something that you can't control flat out sucks. Especially when it's a DEEP fucking desire and a complete lack of meaningful control. It's a lesson you learn when you're a 13 year old boy with a report card that you can't show to anyone who matters, or when it's 1:00 AM and you're by yourself and scared and there's nobody around to offer comfort.
Do not want what you haven't got or at least can't easily get. That's one lesson that I have learned in spades. So I ran from myself and I'm hiding now.
Hide from the scary lady, hide from the library, hide from my colleagues
Hide Hide Hide Hide from life.