Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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A Flat Leaver Is Me

Today was kinda wierd. I had spanish in the morning and I think I am doing well in that class, cause when I asked the professor what I got on my oral presentation she rolled her eyes at me and said "A of course". Then I got a haircut (Which looks hideous I might add, but at least I don't have feminine cherubic curls anymore) and then headed off to the psych library to get some work on my paper done. The cool thing is that I actually managed to find a topic, memory training, that I am interested in and that is small enough for me to tackle thoroughly. I've always been interested in mnemonics and I have this morbid obsession with permanent brain damage and if it can be overcome, so the studies on attempts to train people with head injuries to improve their memories are pretty interesting to me. I'm happy about that.

Anyway after the psych library Hee-Ann and I went around to a couple places to get some printing done and grab some coffee, and we ended up in the Butler library lounge. Big Mistake. Now I generally don't like crowded rooms, but this one is the worst of the worst. First of all there is a constant barage of talking going on, second of all it is full of young people (I prefer old) and third of all it has the melancholy memory of the first meeting for the Spanish project and all the burdensome bullshit that stems from that. After I heard some guys chatting about going off to smoke some weed I couldn't take it anymore and I just flat out left Hee-Ann, told him it was too loud for me to study and that I had to split. I actually acted like a bit of an asshole but I just had to get out of there, I just wanted to get away from all those people and go somewhere safe. So I left, ignored his suggestions for later plans, and just walked out of the building.

Like an asshole
Like a Punk
Like a Loser
Like a Coward.

The last one is what bothers me most. I don't mind being a punk or a loser (or even a Lah-HOOser) but I don't like my own cowardice. The thing is I WAS bored there and distracted but I was also scared. Scared that she might appear and say hi or might appear and NOT say hi or might not appear. And I didn't like it. I don't like the idea of her potential existance in areas I frequent, not in the least. It's all about desire and control at the end of the day, cause desiring something that you can't control flat out sucks. Especially when it's a DEEP fucking desire and a complete lack of meaningful control. It's a lesson you learn when you're a 13 year old boy with a report card that you can't show to anyone who matters, or when it's 1:00 AM and you're by yourself and scared and there's nobody around to offer comfort.

Do not want what you haven't got or at least can't easily get. That's one lesson that I have learned in spades. So I ran from myself and I'm hiding now.

Hide from the scary lady, hide from the library, hide from my colleagues

Hide Hide Hide Hide from life.
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