Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic
  • Mood: distressed
  • Music: Pink Floyd- The Wall 1

When we grew up and went to school there were certain teachers who would hurt the children any way they could

So I am finally done with academics for the semester. It was NOT my usual strong finish. I couldn't gather the energy to do my psych paper last night so I just went to sleep and did it this morning from about 8-12:30. It ended up being like 13 pages so that's alright (it was to be 5-15) but I didn't get a chance to check or edit it because I thought that if it wasn't handed in by one o'clock it was going to be a zero. The difference between a lousy paper and a 0 is 70 points which is incredibly powerful in terms of effect on ultimate grade and GPA. I don't think it was a C paper but it wasn't an A, and that hurts me in a course where my test scores were just slightly above average. Also I thought my social psych test was hard and the TA stopped me in the hall and asked whether I thought it was TOO easy. That set off bells and I know that I got at least ONE question wrong. That class could easily turn from a possible A to a B depending on the curve as the test was 60% of the grade. So I'm looking at a possible less than A- average for the semester depending on how my tests and such turn out and if anyone bumps up my grade for excellent class participation. This doesn't make me happy. On the other hand if a few things fall my way I COULD get like a 3.6 for the semester which would be nice. Sociology is a possible A and Lit-Hum is a REMOTE chance at an A. If Those both turn out to be As and I make at least an A- in Spanish that could set off my Psych implosions. I dunno, right now I am relying on the hope that since I ALWAYS think I've done poorly in my classes and I usually do alright this semester will turn out the same, and since I had a bunch of mitigating factors this semester (Sept 11th, mom's heart disease, this fire at Cathedral of St. John The Divine yesterday) I will be able to forgive myself for doing poorly. I'm more worried about possible guilt and feeling of inadequacy than actually doing poorly. I realize that a B+ average for one semester will mean little in the long run and probably won't damage my shot at graduating with honors, I'm just afraid of feeling uncomfortable because I didn't prove myself supersmart and thus entering a spiral of depression and inadequacy that DOES have serious effects.

*sigh*

Oh well nothing to do now but enjoy myself and play the waiting game. I'm going to be 20 on saturday so its time to start thinking about whether I can do the whole new decade new begining thing. I think I'll probably listen to some depressing music and think about ways I can improve my grades next semester in case I do poorly. This is going to be an obsession for quite some time so expect a lot of inane grade based neurotocism to flood this journal soon. You'd be wise to avoid it even if you're me.

I'm a supadweeb OWWW! I'm mighty mighty just protectin' my pocket and how!
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