Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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Over and over, and over again

5:30 in the morning, even New York is calm (well up by Columbia it is since most everybody is still away doin' the vacation thing) and I can't sleep. I'm really not sure why, it might be a combination of hoping for my last grade so I can fully comprehend last semester or a desire to do something or just plane insomnia. It's okay though, I don't feel particularly tired and it feels kinda nice to be awake and TRULY alone, a rare feeling for a city dweller.

I wonder about this new year and how I'll be during it. I mean I think I've taken this whole New Years thing more seriously this year than I did in the past and for the first time in a while I feel established enough to really make a go of it, but will I slip up in my determination like I have in the past? Will I remember the importance of baby steps? I really want to break out of the backfield and head for the end zone at full bore, but then again you gotta watch for those ball stripping free safetys. Okay...bad football metaphors aside, it's the feeling that if I go too far out on a limb it'll snap and I'll have to climb the whole goddamned tree over again.

The New Year stretches out in blank slate mode and I have so much stuff I want to write on it. I mean I do have a vision of what I want from life right now and it's not overly unrealistic (Okay the swimming pool full of diamonds and the cockatoo breeding ranch might have to go) but getting there is the WHOLE issue. Mental Cud that I've been gnawing on for awhile. Of course that's part of the problem, not the sollution, but I can't change everything overnight ya know.

I feel very self actuated at the moment, which is a bit unusual for me, but I'm not sure about what to do with it. So I wrote it down. Heh, it sounds fairly pathetic in retrospect.

I'm running low on people to share stuff with, I really should deal with that. Although I'm not 100% sure how. Maybe not assaulting Jeff with stinky Adidas Cologne would be a start. But how could something that feels so right be wrong?

Small steps Ben. That's your new Mantra. Small steps. One at a time don't overwhelm yourself. Okay first order of business...deciding whether I'd rather have a weekend in the country with some fresh air and starry skies or watch the final game of regular season football, deciding whether the Jets make the playoffs and whether Strahan gets his sack record. The second is actually more important to me than the first, but maybe I should just abandon football and spectator sports entirely. There's better stuff out there. But there's worse stuff too. So.....do I roll the dice and hope for boxcars, or stay away from the table and dodge the snakeyes. One of the universal questions reduced to a craps metaphor. God bless America.
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