Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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I can not stand still

It's funny how lonely trying to connect with people can make you feel. The thing is that I feel like so few people can actually handle the level on which I like to communicate. I get so easily bored of bullshit socialization for the sake fo socialization and when I try to move it somewhere else, say politics or philosophy, they seem to get uncomfortable and disinterested. I don't know, maybe I need to look somewhere specific like a debate team, but in my experience people who are involved with activities like that tend to have a rather sheltered set of experiences and limited set of views. Maybe that's just prejudice from high school cause there were some real assholes on our debate team, but everyone I've met at Columbia who was deeply involved in clubs or movements tended to seem shallow in their SELVES to me. I don't want to replace the quest for inner fulfillment with outer busyness.

Last night I went over to Deloros' house for dinner and got very worked up and angry at my father. We were discussing personal relationships and I brought up the fact that I don't intend to get involved wth anyone on a level deeper than friendship, which is fine when you're on the internet or talking to a bunch of dweebs from highschool with the combined sexual experience of a 5 year old Gary Coleman impersonator, but apparently not so wise when talking to a Jewish grandmortherly type who has known you since you were very tiny and thus placed a lot of expectations on you. We argued about it and once again it came down to my argument that if you rely on people and trust their commitments and promises you'll end up knifed through the heart, and the counterargument that it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Then we started some academic name-calling (I said that she was basing her view on cognitive dissonance and she accused me of rendering all debate moot by claiming that you approve what you've done rather than doing what you aprove of, thus reducing all debate to having to recomend stuff that you didn't do, and if it was worth recomending why didn't you DO it) anyway the thing that upset me was her denial that my father betrayed me by taking his own life. Maybe it's BECAUSE I've gone through this experience, but I don't feel you need to be motivated by malice to betray someone. I mean it can be money, or hornyness, or even boredom. Anyway it was just a reminder of HOW hurt I still feel from my father and of how powerfully I have to resolve not to let that happen again. I was young and it was outside my power back then, but that's no longer true. Restraint is the spice of life.
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