I don't have double vision, I have double Vision with a capital V. My perception of the world seems to work on multiple levels. There's the grey reality which I live in, replete with unsatisfyingly easy academic pursuits, lunatic mother, and women who are just demons with boobs, and then there's this other world which I sometimes allow myself to fantasize in...which is mostly green and rural. It's not that they're two worlds really, just two ways of viewing the same one. One is a vision full of concrete and overcrowded subway cars and people who don't understand OR like me, and one is full of rides through the country with the foliage thickly in bloom, intimate discussions with interesting people, and peace.
Both worlds exist in reality but for the life of me I can't manage to integrate them. The problem is I feel more stuck on the grey side with just a few glimpses into the rich green future. Like during the summer when I was up on top of Winchel mountains watching the sun rise over the horses in the meadow with the purple wildfire peppering the green fields like some sort of bizzare Monet.
Or other moments previously recounted.
The thing is that the green/good world is associated heavily with my father. It's associated with trips to Maine and climbing mountains and rolling in the moss and a thousand other things. Can I get back there without him? I mean even trying to arrange a trip to the country these days is a pain in the ass and made even harder by my mother who is SO difficult to be around that it almost always seems better to stay in the grey alone than travel to the green with that bile spewing bitch. Also my cousin who I HATE is living in that house now, a motherly plot to keep me out I guess.
I should mention that it's not exactly that one world is rural and the other is urban, it's more associations. There are moments in New York when I can see the colored brightness of the green world, and moments out there in the country where even the most brilliant foliage looks like a sepia-toned wasteland to my depressed eyes.
There are some questions I really need to answer though. Like which world do I want to live in, the protected hardness of the grey world or the soft, vulnerable, softness of the green one? And if I want to go green, how do I get there? Can I possibly do so living at home? Can I do it by myself? Can I do it at Columbia?
How much do I need to sever of my current life to free myself from its constraints?
One of the big problems is that I don't even see what steps to take to move in the right direction. I'm standing in the darkness knowing that there might be light out there somewhere but having no clue as to WHERE and listening to Jeff yell "WALK in my ear"
Anyway I've just been thinking about the two worlds recently and wondering which one I'll end up in. I make most of my future claims based on the grey world but most of my dreams from the green. Science or literature? Lonelyness or companionship? Urban or Rural? Competetive or connected? Grey or Green? Where is my future and how do I get there?
Ugh there's more but I can't really define it. This is why you aren't supposed to write past midnight. For every answer there are a thousand questions, and it all ends up in the air once more to drift down slowly like a barely perceptible snowfall.