Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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I just don't understand how you can smile with all those tears in your eye and tell me everything is wonderful now

Well I finally got a message from her, asking to postpone till friday. You don't have to whack me over the head a thousand and ONE times before I finally get the message. I responded and told her she was welcomed to take an extended raincheck if she wanted since I think it's pretty clear she's not actually interested in meeting with me. Oh well, so goes life. I feel strangely calm at the moment, I can only presume the searing torrent of emotional turmoil will be forthcoming in a few hours. You can know it's coming but you never know how it's going to feel till it lands in your chest and rips your heart into itty bitty pieces that no apoxy in the world can put back together right again. Everyone has regrets, here's another one to add to my pile. It's just that...well...I feel like I entered this game at the advanced level without having had any lessons or even a chance to glance at the rules. I wasn't expecting to encounter the old apointment that she doesn't intend to keep play until I was further along and had at least advanced to the stage of being able to interpret some signs. Honestly I think it's the feeling like a clueless fucking moron that hurts more than just being flat out told "talk to the hand cause the head don't wanna hear it." I mean she's probably thinking of me like a stupid undergrad with a mildly irritating crush on her, and that's not who I feel I am. I mean adult people like talking to me! Even college professor adult people. I'm smart and charming and doggone it people like me. Except it feels so hollow now. To be so blind and couldn't be any more humiliating. I always figured that if she wasn't interested she'd just "forget" to respond to something I sent, or give me a little bit of the chilly shoulder, or at the very least not MENTION getting together so as to avoid putting the idea in my head. But no, I'm dealing at the advanced stages where they PREDICT the ask out and to avoid awkwardness strike first with a lower offer that seems less painful when it's cancelled or rejected. I'm swimming with the big boys in the deep end of the pool and I don't like it. I'm playing emotional raquetball without the proper safety equipment and I didn't even see the ball before it whacked me in the head this time.

She didn't want me. Of course she didn't want me. Why would she? It only makes sense. As chuck told me earlier, the higher you build your hopes the further they have to fall.

For now I will revel in the safety of the numbness and enjoy the sonic pleasure of a familiar song about loss and sadness.

Like the useless youth I am.

At least my instincts were right...I should just stay away from women, all and sundry, forever. We'll both be better off that way. Or at least I will and that's all that I really care about right now. It's SELFISHTIME.
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