And if you LOSE your meaning somehow it's like a parent losing a child. Once something becomes that organic a part of you and is wrenched from you, you end up suffering so much worse than if you never had it. Meaning can help you grow in wonderous ways but you might find your roots unable to support you, and the fall from a great height is worse than that from a small one. Growth can be fatal if you are bound in a cage.
Why am I talking about all of this? Because human connection is part of meaning and that's what I've been trying to achieve lately and have FAILED at. And it hurts me on levels I don't even understand yet. The loneliness hurts more when you know it's there even if you reach out. There seems to be no justice in the world. Oh well, at least I will be taking JUSTICE tomorrow so I'll find out whether that's true or not. Good to know that college has all the answers for every question that plagues mankind. Can you actually choke on your own sarcasm? I don't know...I don't even understand my own inclinations anymore. Do I want to seriously discuss the issue of passion and meaning and loss or do I want to indulge myself with jokes that only I find amusing?
All I know is that I want some sort of meaningful mentally heavy distraction. A crisis or a deep philosophical question. I want to stop thinking about how alone I am and how I've managed to spend this much time at college and make only one serious connection, and not even a particularly close one. I don't want to think about living with and hating my mother. I don't want to think about the fact that it's almost wednesday and she hasn't written even to say "Have a nice semester see ya never." I don't want to think about all the school work that is to come or what I will do after college. I want to be absorbed by something in the here and now until I can no longer see outside the moment.
The trouble with meaning you see is that once you know what it is you feel the need to pursue it, and it's never in a convenient or simple place. I see so MANY potential meanings and I can't reach any of them anytime soon. A watched life never blossoms. But everywhere my eyes sacade the mirrors seem to follow and my own face stares back accusing me saying "why are you watching YOURSELF?"
And I can only answer with a sigh.