Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Rain on the roof, time on my hands, sure seems quiet out there in Radio land

It's a bright night here in New York city. Mist hangs over the buildings like a nightlight, lifting the corner of the cloak of darkness to prevent the residents from hiding beneath it. Today was, in a word, torturous. Like some sort of perverse pinball machine it bounced me from target to target, racking up a high score at my expense. I started out with a mentally exhausting JUSTICE class which looks promising but also time and energy consuming like nobody's business. The professor crammed so much lecture into that one (not even full) session that it feels like the class started weeks ago. He also added another discussion section to my course load so that I now have 2.5 hours of crap on friday, none of which offers any credits. Easy come, go hard. I think I'm going to drop my anthropology class as I don't really enjoy it and I'm just taking too much right now for my emotional/grade/mental well being. I need some sort of anchoring in the world if I'm going to buckle down and do 19 credits up to my standards.

My abnormal psych class was horrible. The instructor prattled on and on repeating herself and then spent 15 minutes spoiling the movie "A Beautiful Mind" after promising she wouldn't. Now I don't mind having pieces of entertainment spoiled or used as an example if there is an academic purpose to it, but she was just enamoured with the movie and wanted to blather on about it. IF you aren't going to say anything worthwhile or useful from an academic perspective don't be a stupid fangirl and ruin a film that's still out in theatres for the students. Plus she ran over the class time alloted which was really annoying on a first day where she taught nothing and even MORE irritating considering the amount of time she spent RUINING a film I wanted to see. And On my way out of the classroom some chick backed in to me and I brushed past her and she shouted Excuse me! Then chased me down and said "When you run someone over you say excuse me!" to which I replied "You backed in to me" and she said "YOU SAY EXCUSE ME" I rolled my eyes at her because I wasn't interested in arguing but it just put me in an even worse mood.

I did manage to see Hee-Ann and we talked for a few hours. He broke up with his girlfriend over winter break which made me kind of sad, but he seems okay with it so I guess it's none of my business. He laughed at my melodrama with the E person which I needed but also threatened to tell her off for making me dance like a marionette which kinda scared me. The other thing he did was make it abundantly clear that I am just NOT getting the social contact I need ANYWHERE in my life. I mean I've become a sort of average guy with a normal vocabulary and none of that lovely air of superiority I used to have. This cannot stand. I need to find people of my own kind, who will revel in obscure words with me and make erudite points about both literature and star trek. As it is that part of me has become anemic and atrophied.

I'm lonely. And just starting to notice it. And it hurts. School takes on less and less importance now when it needs to be MORE important (until I hit a groove) but I don't know how to get back on track. My life feels so WORTHLESS at this point, like not only am I just marking time, but I'm marking time towards being transfered to another prison rather than released into the outside world.

I feel like a figure alone in the freezing rain, nowhere to go and nobody to turn to. And as the mist rolls back over the city all I can do is try to wipe the rain from my eyes and try to get focus so I can figure out where to go and what to do to get back on track and out of the rain.

But instead of coming into focus, the more I clear away the water from my eyes the more everything seems to....

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