Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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I've been thinking that I should make an effort to be less cerebral. It's an ironic thought to have, cause thinking about how cerebral I am certainly isn't helping me get out of my head, but I feel like a lot of my boredom and fear comes from my need to always be thinking. I just put myself through six days of hell over absolutely nothing, and it felt like an eternity. I feel like a little kid again, I only started summer session 7 weeks ago and already it feels like an eternity. When I was young time moved so very slowly, and then for the past few years it's really been speeding by, but its slowed back to a crawl again now. I don't think that makes much sense to anyone but me but I'm allowed at least a few personal indescresions now and then....right? If I just made you stop reading please post a comment so I know.

Anyway I feel trapped inside my head and I don't know how to get out. I mean I want to go out there into the world and connect with people but it's like I'm my own cage. I don't know, maybe this is just a momentary feeling based in the fact that I have nothing much to do right now but wait for a response from someone to one of the emails I've sent out recently. I have way too much time on my hands but still not enough. I feel like someone gave me 10 dollars and, not being able to decide how to spend it, I kept fiddling with it in my hands till it got all torn and dirty and worthless. I don't want that to happen to my life. Sometimes its hard to get outside your own head without chemical assistance (which I refuse to accept.) Maybe I should follow everyone's advice and write something , I mean besides this journal which I doubt I'll stick with anyway. What would I write though?

It's strange, normally I'm a leader type but when it comes to myself I yearn to be a follower. And then when someone gives me direction and advice it doesn't please me either and I just go back to being bored and afraid. Will this phase ever pass? Will I ever realize all or any of my potential? I'm 19 going on 75 and I can't figure out what to do about it.
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