Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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She walks around in circles in my head, waiting for a chance to break me a chance to take me down

I know I promised myself and the rest of you and her (though she doesn't know it) that I wouldn't talk about her anymore, but unfortunatly I don't think I can keep that promise. She lingers beneath the surface like a splinter in my mind and I feel like I need to try and get her out if I can because the wound is starting to become infected and I'm snapping at people left and right.

I should start out with some brief explanations as to WHY she rends my soul to shreds.

1) I hate not hearing back from people. This one is easy to explain, one day I didn't hear from my father and he was dead. When people don't respond to me it reminds me of the day my dad abandoned me and my life turned to shit. When people fail to return my correspondance I get very antsy very quickly and feel like once again the world has told me that I'm not worthy to have connections or people who care about me. I am destined to shout into the void and wait for a response that will never come.

2) She made me feel like she was someone who shared my sense of humor. It's so rare that people actually GET my jokes or find them amusing. So rare that I can get involved in a discussion as to why Peachy is lower than Ginchy on the happiness scale and how wide the abuse of Peachy Keen is because Peachy Keen is a Keen based proclamation of joy and Keen is far above Peachy, but people think it's peachy based.

She seemed to get my humor and be interested in intellectual conversation and I felt like I had found a potential friend or ally in my struggle againt the normal and the staid. How wrong I was.

3) It felt like I was being pushed toward her by....something. Call it fate or luck or opportunity. I'm not saying there weren't ALWAYS mixed signals, cause of course there were, there must have been considering how wrong I was, but there was something there. The first day of class she told me not to leave because it would be fun, she started sitting next to me until I moved away because I KNEW this would the outcome if I were close to her, I sat there when they were picking partners for the oral presentation hoping that it would be her but knowing it was random and it WAS, and finally on the flyer for the end of class party it was listed that we would be singing love songs. Related to that is

4) I wasn't the only one who saw it. I'm not going to go through everything, but there was definitly a good amount of implication that other people saw our connection.

5) She still haunts my dreams. I've dreamed about her off and on since I met her and it certainly hasn't stopped now. In fact just last night I had a rather nasty one. That lets me relive my rejection over and over as a chipper, fun, way to start my morning off right.

6) She's the only person I've been interested in in years. People tell me that I'm whining over a carp I never caught when the brook is full of trout, but that's not how it is for me. Numerous sources can tell you exactly how aloof I have remained from the opposing gender for years and how aloof I continue to be. For the most part I'm quite simply not interested. But she was...different. She liked and shared my humor, she had unique levels of honesty and her own quirkyness. She...I can't explain the rest of it.

7) She's never given me a clear signal of disinterest. Every time I meet her she seems excited and friendly. She had me guess where she was going on vacation and the price of her air ticket. She told me about how she graded the students in her class and her accidentil failing of one poor student because he was taking it Pass/Fail and she thought a D was passing. That doesn't seem like mere politeness caused by people being on the same train together. And SHE was the one who suggested coffee even though I was not expecting it since she'd done the whole "non-responsive" thing at the start of last semester. She even went so far as to suggest a specific date and general time period. And then she disapeared again.

The fact of the matter is that she had something that I've never seen before, I opened myself up to her a little because of it and she used that opening to rip my heart out. And I know she probably didn't mean it, and I'm not particularly angry or blamefull towards her, but it still hurts intensly and I CAN'T just get up and walk through it. I think I could handle a flat out "I'm too busy" or even "I don't LIKE you" but this whole flopping around on the line like fish....it brings back horrible memories and makes me feel inhumanly repulsive.

Eventually I suppose I'll get past this. It's just a stupid rejection, nothing unusual, but I won't forget it and for now I can't ignore it. I did and do care about her and to her I'm not even relevant enough to dislike or properly blow off. It's the lack of closure that hurts me worst of all and strikes closest to home. I guess certain people are meant to be eternally alone, without touch or connection and only faint memories of never could bes floating torturously through their heads.

I wish her well wherever she is, but as much as I DESIRE to see her again, hear her flat and funny voice, I hope I never do. I have too many scars, have cried too many tears. And I'm honestly NOT that bad a guy. I don't deserve this pain. I really don't deserve it.
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