Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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The perfect kind of day

I don't think I've ever had this much to do. I need to get some reading done for my lit-hum class, do part of my statistics problem set, prepare for my Japanese history class, and somehow get something ready for my GED teaching assignment all by tomorrow. Whoa. And it doesn't lighten much up through the rest of the week. If I really want to go through with my schedule as it is now that's how it's going to be for the next 12 weeks (with one week of spring break in between) and that's a lot to deal with, especially considering the tests and papers that will crop up in between. Frankly my biggest worry is the exams. Papers I am always pretty cool with and class participation is never a problem. The exams I'll have during the semester are a mid term in Lit-Hum, one in anthro, three exams in Abnormal psych, two unimportant statistics exams (20 percent total) and that's it. Then there's a bunch of papers and more than a few final exams, although for me final exams are not a big deal since I get a nice little study period where I can catch up on a lot of the reading. So I can probably maintain a 3.5 average or so as long as I don't crack under the pressure. And that's what it all comes down to...the pressure. It's almost attractive, a constant stream of reality blunting work for a few months. Structure and constant busyness. No time to think about how lonely I am. No time to curl up into a ball and think about my sad future. No time to think about HER. But also little time to write in this journal (I'm stealing a few moments here which I will pay for in the future, guaranteed) little time to enjoy anime and video games which I have decided that I DO like even if not as much as things that fulfill me.

It's a tough decision for me as to what I want to do, who I want to be. Do I give up on socializing and try to become an ubernerd? Where do I want my balance to fall? Being busy will probably HELP with losing weight but can I maintain an overladen schedule without collapsing? What is college to be for me. What do I WANT? So many questions. The only answer I have right now is that what I'm doing FEELS right. I won't commit myself to it indefinitly but I will at least give it a chance. Jeff wants me to engage my classes more, well maybe I just need to engage more classes. Maybe it's a good thing that when my brain is full of statistics ancient japanese history literature and political theory I can't think about the fact that I have connected with nobody for six months, or that now that I've admited I wouldn't be completely adverse to female companionship I've had to admit that I'm simply unworthy/incapable of it. Ironically a 19 credit semester could be a vacation...from myself. I just don't know...I am tired and should go to bed. I feel like I'm experiencing personal movement but is it progression or regression. That dear readers I will allow YOU to decide.
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