Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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I leave the lights on, you know I pretend you're on your way

Today was a short one. I had JUSTICE in the morning which always flies by, and the professor responded to my email questions to the whole class which made me feel good. I also got an email from him saying that he had noticed those girls cheating but wasn't going to make a big deal of it. We went over some Kant today which was weird as Kant always is, and it was decently explained. That grad student girl with the odd hand gestures sat one seat over from me today in class which was sort of strange since I was sitting in an extra row, but she didn't say anything or try to make rivalrous implications at me so I guess it was just a coincedence. It seems from the first discussion section that she figures to be the alpha dog in Professor Johnston's classroom, but I don't figure to roll over and whimper like a born Beta. She's got the grad student/first name advantage so I'll have to pull out the fact that I know one of his colleagues from another university and see if that helps even the playing field. Then it will be brain vs brain, material comprehension versus material comprehension in a battle for philosophical supremacy. And we shall see who wins that one...oh yes we SHALL see.

That reminds me I should get started on my paper which is due on friday. I spent most of tonight on my statistics homework but I should at least sketch an outline for the Justice paper so I can write it tomorrow. It's only a two pager so I should be able to pull something decent out without staying up too late or anything.

After that I went home and did some excercise which felt good. I had gotten good sleep the night before so I managed to actually break a good sweat and do some good lifting. My arms are starting to strengthen back up so the next time Kawah and I meet I can REALLY show him something. I'm in an agressive mood tonight, aren't I? Wonder why that is.

After exercise I ate a light lunch and headed off to Anthropology. It was cancelled though because the professor had a dental emergency. A DENTAL emergency? What the hell is that? Did he suddenly realize that his teeth were two shades short of gleaming? We got lecture notes for the class though so I guess we'll be tested on the material anyway. *sigh*. I went home and fucked around with some video games and anime as well as intending to crack my psych book. But before I got around to that I actually had to go to psychology class (3 hours can go by fast when you haven't had much leisure time recently). The class was pretty interesting in that we went in to some of the risk factors/causes of depression and other psychological maladies, but the professor also announced that unless we read the textbook we couldn't do any better than passing in the course. D'oh. Looks like I will have to do some SERIOUS reading this semester to keep my grades up. If only I could keep focused on reading one of my texts for any extended period of time.

Listening to a lecture on depression also made me think about my Dad a lot. I asked the prof if she could recomend any good information on Organic Chronic depression and she used some big word (I believe it was Adrogenous) and said she'd look into it. I want to ask her if she remembers my father's suicide since she's been at Columbia a long time and I like to think that he at least made an impact when he did it but I am not going to bring it up out of context, that's just wierd. And probably not when other students are around. I'm very open about it but I don't want to just announce it to random people. I was also thinking about the shrink that told me that 15% of the children of people with my father's type of depression who commit suicide end up commiting suicide too. I wonder whether that risk is made lower over time or whether it's just a life-long thing. A lot of psychiatric illnesses get much worse in early adulthood. Will depression suck me under like an irresistable riptide? I feel better these days than I have for most of my life since he died, but that statistic still haunts me a bit. I want to do some research on it to see how true it is and how it works.

I saw a guy from the summer today on campus. Said hi to him but got no response. Even more social Ben is a complete Reject. *shrug* Managed to push all thoughts of HER out of my head by doing work but I'm trying to get extra tired before I hit the hay so that I don't have any time to think about her before I nod off.

I'm pretty much convinced that part of the reason I'm taking such a big load is to avoid thinking about her but I'm okay with that. I mean I don't know ANOTHER way to escape thinking about it and this one might actually be productive. I just need to make sure that I keep up with my work and don't just coast through all my classes using them as busywork but not learning/grade improving experiences. I also need Jeff to come back to me from whatever strange planet he seems to have moved to. He said he'd email me about my journal but he didn't. He's not there when I call or go in at first so I always have to wait. He's just become flat out disinterested and it hurts.

I could go on and on and on and I will at some point but I'm almost sufficiently tired and I have a long day tomorrow. Dental apointment, class, slight breather, 2 more classes, slight breather, STATA recitation, and have to write a 2 page JUSTICE paper somewhere in there. These busy days can be rough but at least I have no time to think about what a loser I am, or all the people who I wish would give a fuck about me, or that when they talk about a "healthy social support network" in psych I just don't have one at ALL. I barely have time to eat which should help my waistline a bit.

No time to think at all.

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