Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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I want something more I want something more I want something more than this.

I've been feeling really lonely lately. Not in a specific way, in more general overarching terms. Not like I'm lacking anyone in particular, just like I'm lacking. I don't have any close relationships and it's starting to hurt. I'm not sure why it's hurting now, but it is, deeply. I think it may be that as I move further and further out of the world I collapsed into after that first semaster (semester/disaster) I start to notice the relationships people have to those around them. Before I was insulated inside my own little world/mind. I focused on class and my own little hobbies and introspectuion and nothing else. Now I peer out and I feel very much alone.

I used to be able to walk down the street on a nice spring day and just be satisfied to enjoy the feel of the brisk air and the experience of being alive, but now I feel the need to share it with someone, anyone. My brain is bursting with things I want to say and I have nobody to say it too.

My shell is breaking down around me and I am exposed for who I truly am. I am emerging. I didn't want this. God damn it I DID NOT WANT THIS. I don't want to go out there and get beat up again. I don't want to get so emotionally bloodied that I have to withdraw from EVERYTHING. Not again. Not again.

And I'm not sure what to do. I've added classes and tasks to keep me busy. I've tried to make non-commital social outreaches (which have all been less effective than Gary Condit's tenure as the spokesman for a summer camp for young women) What's the point of being successful/intelligent/moral or anything if nobody recognizes it (unless you do good things, but I don't do good things)

So I am stuck back in the old dilemma of being alone and feeling it that I've been grappling with since my father died. If all the world's a stage then my life is a fucking monologue. Can I get some extras here? WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO GET SOME FUCKING EXTRAS?

Sorry about that. I know there are no easy solutions to this sort of thing but I have to figure SOMETHING out. If you're not moving forward you're moving backwards...right? I just feel like I'm being forced to make large changes in my life (which I am doing) and work hard for...nothing. The intrinsic benefit of being a better Ben is not enough....at least right now. I want recognition I want support.

I want my daddy.

Guess that's what it's all REALLY about in the end.
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