I used to be able to walk down the street on a nice spring day and just be satisfied to enjoy the feel of the brisk air and the experience of being alive, but now I feel the need to share it with someone, anyone. My brain is bursting with things I want to say and I have nobody to say it too.
My shell is breaking down around me and I am exposed for who I truly am. I am emerging. I didn't want this. God damn it I DID NOT WANT THIS. I don't want to go out there and get beat up again. I don't want to get so emotionally bloodied that I have to withdraw from EVERYTHING. Not again. Not again.
And I'm not sure what to do. I've added classes and tasks to keep me busy. I've tried to make non-commital social outreaches (which have all been less effective than Gary Condit's tenure as the spokesman for a summer camp for young women) What's the point of being successful/intelligent/moral or anything if nobody recognizes it (unless you do good things, but I don't do good things)
So I am stuck back in the old dilemma of being alone and feeling it that I've been grappling with since my father died. If all the world's a stage then my life is a fucking monologue. Can I get some extras here? WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO GET SOME FUCKING EXTRAS?
Sorry about that. I know there are no easy solutions to this sort of thing but I have to figure SOMETHING out. If you're not moving forward you're moving backwards...right? I just feel like I'm being forced to make large changes in my life (which I am doing) and work hard for...nothing. The intrinsic benefit of being a better Ben is not enough....at least right now. I want recognition I want support.
I want my daddy.
Guess that's what it's all REALLY about in the end.